AA Meetings

The cliche you’re bound to hear an oldtimer repeat in meetings, sometimes, is, “The Chapter is called How it Works, not Why it Works!”

I get it, haha. This laughter is typically followed up with another worn cliche, “Why it Works falls under the category of none-of-your-business!”

It kind of makes you feel warm and fuzzy, doesn’t it?

If you’re new to the AA culture which at times is blunt, well, maybe not.

Regardless, if you’re sincere about understanding your options for recovery and where AA might fit into them, this is not particularly helpful information.

Legitimate Question

“Why it works” is a legitimate question for someone exploring AA and there should be a clear answer.

And, since AA has been around for 85 years, one would think the answer would include data and facts. Unfortunately, that is not how AA rolls. Data is hard to track in an organization that is decentralized to the extreme and holds anonymity foundational.

Specifically, are there elements of a program that has 72 “official” publications to explain itself that one should prioritize?  Attending countless meetings to explain that someone should focus on? It seems like that information would be helpful.

But, with AA literature, if you look for up-to-date data with attributions from peer-reviewed research on alcoholism, you’re a bit out of luck. AA doesn’t provide much, if any, of that information. AA seems to be mainly interested in preserving its legacy of what has worked in the past. Refining the program to make it more effective and accessible to the newcomer of the 21st century does not seem to be AA’s goal.

This is because AA’s “folksy” (aka non-scientific) approach to addiction recovery that requires “finding God” is deep in AA’s DNA and unlikely to change. If you’re sober through AA and are not a zealot for God, prayer, and “working the steps as written in the book,” you best keep that opinion to yourself.  Any meaningful discussion for change is typically gridlocked. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” they will say. Hence, no material changes to the first 164 pages of the Big Book for almost 80 years.

This is all unfortunate, as there are many studies about addiction, alcoholism, and the AA program published in the last thirty years with interesting findings that could help people who want to get and stay sober. Some simple ideas here. It is this growing canon of research that provides some insight into “Why it Works.”

What the Research Says

The Harvard Health Newsletter cites three elements that are the most important program for a good outcome looking across several academic peer-reviewed studies.

They are:

• Staying the Course – People who, in AA terms, “keep coming back” and keep at it are most likely to both obtain and sustain sobriety than those who stop.
• Helping Others – “Carrying the message” is a core component of AA, and studies do corroborate this works. Studies also indicate “helping” someone in ways beyond just working the twelve steps (working through problems like finding a job or getting housing) will contribute to staying sober.
• Absence of Other Problems that Require Treatment – Other “problems” whose treatment requires medication (bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, and borderline disorder, to name a few) complicate getting and staying sober.

Good to know, right? Shouldn’t this be on a pamphlet? Or, mentioned in meetings?

So for the newcomers, stick with it, even if you fail initially. While you’re there in the program, try to be helpful in all ways to others. And, don’t look to AA to solve other problems that may require medication for treatment. Get professional help for that. And by all means, be suspicious of anyone in AA who offers “opinions” about those other problems that require medical attention.

More Controversy From Data

Another truth is much of what is shared at meetings does not align with data.

For example, attending a specific number of meetings is not an indicator of success with abstinence. The data shows that fewer meetings over a longer period are preferable to an initial flurry of many meetings. Often you’ll hear, “I drank every day, so I go to meetings every day!” Sounds great, but going to a meeting every day is not an indicator of success with sobriety. More important is losing the desire to stay sober and stop going altogether. 

It’s also reported that AA’s emphasis on “spiritual awakening” is not a corollary to success with abstinence. As beloved as the “spiritual angle” of AA is, many get and stay sober without any real spiritual belief. There is little evidence to support “finding God” is a guarantee of success with obtaining sobriety. It is more of a nice-to-have and a preference rather than the must-have many old-timers insist it is.

Professionally Guided Recovery

Finally, a recent literature review of all AA studies indicated that the most initially successful AAs combined therapy with the AA program. This may be the best approach to take from a data perspective. This dual approach makes intuitive sense as many coming into the program are confused about where to start and what to do. A professional could be of enormous help to someone new and earnest. While some claim this is the role of the sponsor, the efficacy of sponsors is all over the place.

Plus, many newcomers have problems other than alcohol, where guidance from a therapist rather than the untrained voluntary help given through AA’s sponsorship could really help speed things along. Many old-timers insist that therapy can be more a distraction than anything and, “working the steps” is all that one should focus on. Again, simply not true according to the data.

Data Doesn’t Change Minds.

I get it that many in AA cling to the twelve-step’s power to solve not only the drink problem but many other issues newcomers and members face. Providing untested, mostly qualitatively based solutions to newcomers and members is potentially dangerous in they won’t work.

I say look at the data – there is a lot. I also say it is time for AA to grow up and embrace the science and research of recovery facts rather than continuing with the well-worn folksy anecdotal solution.

But, since when has data changed minds.

 

A Small Sampling of AA, alcoholism, and addiction research.

 

Life has vexed Philosophers, Artists, and the Common Man since the dawn of humanity. Consciousness, with its seemingly endless capacity for nuanced semi-reflective, thought, socialized man and continues to capture his imagination.  Language, culture, and religion followed. Later, math, science, medicine, and the arts followed. Several thousand years later, we’ve become the diverse and often fascinating pastiche we are today. And we’re still going.

What have we learned? After several thousand years, we have learned that life is still mysterious and wonderous, fulfilling, and frustrating, with a payoff that can be joyful or heartbreaking when its all over. Whatever the outcome, there are few guarantees and few certainties.

Add to this milieu a nearly endless supply of new and shiny objects competing for your attention every minute from nearly every angle. In 2021, it has never been easier to feel overwhelmed and perplexed by the world around you. Focusing on something specific can be a real challenge. This is true for everyone – not just those in AA.

My Newcomer Perspective

When I came to AA, I knew I had a drinking problem. My mind, however, had me convinced I had all sorts of equally important “issues” that had to be managed concurrently while putting the plug in the jug. I remember I thought getting my goals precise was important. I read somewhere that unspecific goals were unachievable, so I needed to fix that. I don’t know why now, but it seemed urgent back then.

I also thought I needed to learn more about my childhood. Maybe do some therapy, placing blame for my current predicament on my parents.

There were also other twelve-step programs. Mom was an alcoholic, after all. Shouldn’t I also go to Alanon or ACOA? And, what’s the deal with CODA? If one program is good, more is better! Right? Maybe I should do a different one each day of the week!

Of course, I also needed to get in better shape (which might help me get a critically important girlfriend). Then, there was that pesky issue of being twelve units shy of a Batchelor’s Degree. I needed to complete that if I wanted a better job. I also worried that driving without insurance wasn’t good. Nor, for that matter, was not having a job and living on my mom’s couch.

I share this to illustrate all the shiny objects that were vying for my attention, both internally and externally, when I stumbled into AA. To paraphrase the Big Book here, “I could increase this list ad infinitum!”

What I Heard

When I came to AA to get help with drinking and marijuana problems, I started hearing people say at meetings, “if you want to get sober, you need to focus on your number one problem!”

At first, I thought this was a clever riddle to solve. So, I kept it all in my head – the riddle and my answer.

Then, one night at coffee, a sober guy asked me, “what’s your number one problem?” I was ready. I replied with my brilliantly thought out answer. “It’s either ego or my selfishness!”

To which he responded, “No, no, no! You’re number one problem is drinking! You need to stop drinking!” He went on to add, “If you solve your number one problem, you’ll be able to solve all sorts of other problems later! Focus first on learning how to stay stopped!”

What I Read

One of the most popular Big Book stories is “Acceptance is the Answer.” While most read the …acceptance is the answer to all our problems,  there are other equally noteworthy sections.

Here is an excerpt from page 415-416 that articulates the sentiment I am trying to communicate with this post. Thanks to Steve T. for this reading.

“It seemed that all they talked about at meetings was drinking, drinking, drinking. It made me thirsty. I wanted to talk about my many big problems: drinking seemed a small one. And I knew that giivn up “one drink for one day” wouldn’t really do any good. Finally after seven months, I decided to try it. To this day, I am amazed at how many of my problems – most of which had nothing to do with drinking, I believed – have become manageable or have simply disappeared since I quit drinking.”

What I Did

So I took that guidance and began focusing on my number one problem.  I began “getting serious” in and about AA. Rather than come to meetings and listen and hope to offer up a clever share, I became far more engaged. I came to meetings with a purpose. I was coming to learn how to stay sober. And, appropriately, I began behaving more like a member like a visitor.

I started asking pointed questions to long sober members like, “what should I be doing around here if I sincerely want to stop drinking?” I also asked, “How will I know if I’m in trouble and at risk of drinking again?”

Taking their advice, I then started getting to meetings earlier and going to coffee afterward. There I got to know people one-on-one. Eventually, I found a person to be my sponsor—big, huge, giant step. My sponsor took me through the steps.

And, like so many others in AA, once I worked the steps, my life transformed – seemingly for good.

That sponsor promised over thirty years ago, “If you focus on your number one problem, your other problems over time will also be solved, and new better ones will arise.” He was right. Now I have many what the super-oldtimers called “Cadillac problems!”

What I Think

When I came to AA, I was highly unfocused. Some science supports both a genetic and behavioral connection between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Alcoholism and Addiction (AUD). Because people with ADHD require constant stimulation, the thought is drugs and alcohol either feed or arrest this condition. Alcohol and drugs are self-medicating agents.

I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty sure I have ADHD. Focusing has always been hard for me. Anecdotally I know many others in AA also have ADHD. Some have told me so.  I also see many newcomers shaking their legs incessantly, looking around the room, and unable to remember what the reading was three minutes ago. It’s estimated this AUD/ADHD connection might be as high as 25%.

I also know I was, especially in my first years, “running my mind” during meetings was something I did. I still do. THINK THINK THINK!

After all these years, I’ve gotten better at listening during meetings. Closing my eyes helps. I also focus better when I leave the smartphone in the car. Science supports that too.

Conclusion

Learning what my number one problem was, then putting all my focus on that rather than all the other things in my head worked for me. Maybe this will work for you, too.

A recurring theme on this website is an encouragement to making your communication better. Be it in meetings, with other AAs, or the world at large, when what you are trying to say is heard in the way it’s intended, everyone wins. This strategy goes for writing as well as speaking.

Some Refinement

But, communicating with clarity is not easy and requires constant attention. Speakers often don’t quite know what they are trying to say, and talking-it-out is part of the process where the speaker refines what they mean to say. It is normal.

Shares at meetings often have this not-well-thought-out quality. AA members aren’t and most likely shouldn’t aspire to be professional speakers.

What I want to encourage with this post is for AAs to both become aware of and then change the way they communicate in meetings. Why? Because we don’t want to unnecessarily push people away from AA because of an ignorant communication style. After all, we intended to help, not hurt the newcomer with our words.

Of course, some oldtimers will say this talk of language refinement is way over-the-top! “Who cares!” they will say.  “When I got sober, they told me blah blah blah!” “I needed that bluntness!”  will be the justification for their inarticulate and mean oration. Expect these folks to close with, “Well, with that context, if you drink, you better call Shakespeare!”

You most likely aren’t reading this blog (or have any interest in anyone other than yourself) with that mindset. It takes all kinds!

Loaded Terms and Perspectives

Being aware of terms and ideas that can be divisive is the first step in being a more inclusive communicator of the AA principals that help keep newcomers sober. God, Higher Power, spirituality, prescription medicine, religion, rehabs, therapy, and problems other-than-alcohol are all charged ideas. Someone could quickly build this list. Plus, many terms have baggage. In some cases, like the idea of “meditation,” it has an entirely different meaning today than when defined in 1939.

Deliver these pregnant words with a sense of this is the way it is know-it-all-ism, and you can quickly run someone out of the rooms at their first meeting. That approach is not the most attractive one.

An AA telling the new person  “exactly what they need to do,” either from “my own experience” or from “page XX of the big book!” is pretty off-putting to someone earnestly seeking help. Remember, many of these newcomers are hurting. Empathy and thoughtful, individualized support are what they need.

Again, I know some oldtimers will say, “the program is the program, and people need to hear it without sugar coating! Otherwise, they’ll die without ever knowing the truth that can set them free!” While we’re at, why don’t we add, “F them!’ at the end of it. That’s the underlying attitude.

And doesn’t that point of view arise from what Bill W. admonished against, Big-Shot-ism? As my mother used to say, “who died and left you, king?” Who appointed you arbiter/communicator of all things right and absolute in AA? Let me give you the answer. Your ego did. That role doesn’t exist. And, as we’ve discussed previously, for alcoholics, in most cases, the ego is not your amigo.

Communication Hacks That Can Help

So if you want to up your effectiveness in delivering a compelling AA message in meetings, one-on-one, or in conversations – I would encourage you to adopt these fairly well-established communication hacks.

• Think before you speak.
• Speak in complete sentences.
• Have a point, and stay on it.
• Don’t say everything, you know.
• Describe rather than prescribe.
• Don’t use “we” or “you” speaking for others.
• Give brief examples to show rather than tell.
• Minimize and soften loaded terms.
• Emphasize empathy, compassion, and appreciation for the work required to succeed in AA.

I could go on about each of these, but hopefully, most speak for themselves.

Concerning loaded terms, I’ve found that using “inner” instead of spiritual covers much of the same territory. The same goes for subbing out “belief” or “direction” as they cover the same ground as God.  Finally, merely avoiding many of the other terms and ideas is the best way to go. Why dust-up unnecessary controversy? Wouldn’t it be more helpful if I kept my disagreements to myself? Or, is that another way to scratch the ego-itch?

Hard Not Easy

For many years, I’ve been both passionate and irresponsible in my AA communications. I’ve let my opinions and my need to be liked to get the best of me, saying things I either didn’t mean or were wrong. For that, I’m sorry. I am trying to correct that with these posts and this blog. My hope is I to get some similarly passionate AAs to think a bit of some of these ideas the next time they speak in a meeting, to a newcomer or oldtimer, or anyone for that matter.

Wisdom is prized because it is hard to come by.  It’s something I think many in AA seek. I know I do. Hopefully, we can all get wise together -while helping more alcoholics get sober.

For me, learning to trust a few sober people, then a group, then a sponsor, then a program of recovery was what led to my sober life. Trust was the lynchpin.

Once I opened up candidly about my situation and the role drinking played in it to a few people I trusted, it started the chain reaction that has given me decades of recovery. Trust, then, is a bit like the “For the want of a nail” proverb, only, “For the want of trust, the recovery was lost.”

Something Was Off

Despite all the best efforts of Zoom to ensure security (aka “trust” from a technology perspective), AA Zoom meetings for me have been hard to embrace fully. Initially, I was confused as to why. After all, the Zoom meeting was pretty much the same format with the same readings as in-person ones. Initially, many attendees were the same people at traditional meetings. Yet, still, something was off for me.

I use WebEx, Teams, and Zoom to engage in sensitive business conversations at work every day, for years. My discomfort, therefore, wasn’t coming from technology; I think it had more to do with something else.

I realized my business teleconferences have few participants. This was a difference.  Everyone on the business call is unmuted and free to comment anytime. With few people, commenting is easy to do and folks don’t talk over each other. The result is the teleconference feels like a traditional phone call only with video. The whole experience feels very natural.

In contrast, on the significant AA Zoom calls, everyone is put on mute. Otherwise, the call can be a very unpleasant experience. Everyone talks over each other.

But, with the muting, there is this very odd silence that happens if you are speaking. It’s unnatural and at first, can be a bit unnerving. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in not liking that.

Trust is the Issue

After much thought and reflection, I’ve determined my consternation for AA Zoom meetings is rooted in a lack of trust I feel in them. It’s not the technology and the muting wrinkle.

The more I internally I tested this emotion of not trusting, the more I am convinced that is what it is. Opening up fully and feel safe is the “magic” of AA meetings. Not having that is the root cause of my frustration.

And, it’s essential to add no one is at fault here. During the lockdown caused by the pandemic, there has been a huge demand to have online meetings. Many fellowships and sober folks with the help and affordability of Zoom have risen to the occasion creating and promoting robust online meeting schedules quickly. The result of these efforts was hosting hundreds of thousands of AAs literally in meetings across the globe. Great job, AA!

Initially, these early AA Zoom meetings were a bit of novelty, exposing many for the first time to video conferencing. The result was the technology wowed many. In fact, at many of those early meetings, the topic could have easily been, “What do you think of Zoom and teleconferencing?”

But once the novelty wore off, the long-established realities of teleconferencing shortcomings for larger groups set it. It became nearly impossible to attend a AA Zoom, and not here at least one person comment on how they prefer in-person meetings and that something was missing. This complaining became another annoyance in and of itself.

Two Causes

After much thinking, I have come to believe that this lack of trust comes from two primary sources.

First, I don’t know all the people in the Zoom meeting. Over time the number I know has become less as more people find meetings “on the internet” and just show up.

Not knowing who I am meeting with creates problems developing trust. At least for me, it does. For me to build confidence, I want to know if people attending the meeting are serious about recovery? I also want to know, are they sober? Do they have a desire to stop drinking? Do they work a program? Are they who they say they are?

With online strangers, I can’t know any of those details. Then there were the “bombers” – folks whose plan was to disrupt a meeting. They didn’t help either. Things got weird. There was one meeting I attended where there was an “observer” from a graduate program in Psychology.

All this dovetails into the second issue, that of anonymity. If I don’t know who is on the call, can I trust they will respect my anonymity? Am I safe to share the types of personal things at meetings where someone can be recording the share on their iPhone? No, you can’t.

So because of these issues, no “authentication” requirement of open Zoom meeting, and the ability to take pictures and make recordings of sessions without consent, I decided to no longer attend AA Zoom meetings. I need trust.

So What To Do for Meetings

Because of the resumed lockdown in CA, if I don’t want to attend AA Zoom meetings, I have very few options.

The best option for me is to simply have 1:1 connections with other AAs I know and trust. “Nothing so much insures sobriety of intense work with other alcoholics.” This “work” can be connecting on the phone or through teleconference. I make it a point (and have for many years) to connect with other AAs every day. This regular activity has led to many friends and an intense level of trust.

Another option if you are meeting deficient is starting small, intimate, Zoom meetings with folks you know and trust. Zoom licensing for hosting is just over $100. Surely someone in your AA circle can afford that (or you can pass the hat).  I have been to some of these, and they have been excellent.

They used to say, “all you need to start a meeting is a pot of coffee and a resentment!” I guess now you need a Zoom license as well.

Is the Problem Just Me

I know there will be naysayers here who will claim I’m just oversensitive about the trust issue.  And, “there is nothing to worry about!” with trust in Zoom meetings. “It’s more about you than it is the meeting!” Or,

There is also the argument that “you’re fooling yourself, you can’t trust attendees at in-person meetings either!”

OK. I hear that.

Barrier to Entry

But, there is a massive difference between a Zoom meeting and an in-person meeting. I think this “barrier to entry” is an excellent indicator of the attendees’ sincerity.

If I want to attend a Zoom meeting, all I need to do is click, and if I have the right settings on my device, I’m in—a shallow barrier to entry. I can also do this in less than a minute.

On the other hand, if I want to attend an in-person meeting, typically I will have to:

• Plan to be there (in advance).
• Get dressed.
• Drive there.
• Park the car.
• Walk to the meeting.
• Walk back to the car.
• Drive home.

That is a much higher barrier to entry. I say someone who does all that, really wants to be there, and has a higher likelihood of being sincere.

And What About the Big AA Zoom Meetings

This same “barrier to entry” concept with more significant AA Zoom meetings is recommended. I would add that this “barrier to entry” is something online businesses require ALL THE TIME. Fellowships and people who host these bigger meetings could ask for some type of registration that would require some additional information that may scare off the insincere.

I recognize that asking for a credit card (or other information that verifies identity) might be a non-starter. Many in AA seek to be as inclusive as possible and maintaining anonymity.  But, this is a new situation. Bill and Bob never had to deal with it.  Hence, more thought and discussion will be required. Online meeting for the masses is uncharted territory.

Conclusion

I’ve made my decision about big, open-call  AA Zoom meetings. They aren’t for me.

I would encourage you to reach out to other alcoholics more frequently during the pandemic. Therefore, start your own intimate, Zoom meeting. Mostly I hope we all stay sober.