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Pause When Agitated

Author: James

  • A Message from Blog Author Jim S.

    A Message from Blog Author Jim S.

    Welcome to Pause When Agitated

    I’m Jim S. I got sober through AA in the South Bay of Los Angeles in 1987, and I have remained sober since then. AA changed my life in ways that still matter. I remain active in the fellowship, with a sobriety date, a home group, and a sponsor.

    I created Pause When Agitated because getting sober is hard, and parts of AA can be confusing or off-putting. Meetings vary. People vary. The God language does not work for everyone. None of those difficulties means you cannot recover.

    Sometimes a clear idea, offered with empathy and without salesmanship, is enough to help someone take the next useful step. That is what I want this site to provide.

    This site may help if

    • You want to stop drinking but feel uncertain or vulnerable.
    • You are attending AA and do not understand everything happening in the rooms.
    • You have questions about sponsorship, the Steps, higher powers, or AA culture.
    • You are supporting someone who is trying to recover.
    • You have been sober for years and want to think more deeply about recovery.

    What you will find here

    • Personal experience rather than official AA positions.
    • Practical guidance for early and continuing recovery.
    • Respect for religious and nonreligious paths.
    • Resources for families and friends.
    • Research presented with clear limits and sources.

    Where to begin

    • Visit Get Started for the clearest route through the site.
    • Browse the free Recovery Guides. No email address is required.
    • Use the site search to find a specific recovery topic.
    • Ask questions in meetings, with a sponsor, or through the site’s Contact page.

    I do not have a program to sell you. I hope the writing helps you get honest, stay sober, and build a life you want to keep.

  • How to Communicate Better in Recovery

    How to Communicate Better in Recovery

    Introduction

    A recurring theme on this website is the encouragement to enhance your communication skills. This applies to various scenarios, be it in meetings, interactions with other AA members, or the world at large. When your intended message is accurately perceived, everyone benefits. This principle applies to both spoken and written communication.

    The Challenge in Effective Communication

    Communicating with clarity can be a challenging task requiring consistent effort. Often, speakers aren’t completely sure about what they’re trying to convey, and talking it out becomes part of the process to refine their thoughts. This is quite normal. Shares at meetings frequently exhibit this partially-developed quality. AA members, for the most part, should not necessarily strive to become professional speakers.

    The Need for Improvement

    What I want to emphasize in this post is the need for AA members to be cognizant of their communication styles and make necessary changes. The objective is to avoid alienating people due to an uninformed communication approach. We aim to support, not deter newcomers with our words.

    Resistance to Change

    Unsurprisingly, some veterans may dismiss this conversation about language refinement as excessive. They might argue, “Who cares! When I got sober, they told me this and that! I needed that bluntness!” They justify their blunt, sometimes harsh delivery. You can expect such individuals to conclude with a comment like, “Well, in that case, if you drink, you might as well call Shakespeare!”

    Understanding Loaded Terminology and Perspectives

    Being aware of potentially divisive terms and concepts is the first step towards becoming a more inclusive communicator of AA principles that assist newcomers in maintaining sobriety. Words like God, Higher Power, spirituality, prescription medicine, religion, rehabs, therapy, and non-alcohol related problems can all evoke strong reactions. The list could quickly grow, and many terms carry emotional baggage. For example, the term “meditation” today means something entirely different than when it was defined in 1939.

    The Danger of Dogmatism

    Using these charged terms with an air of dogmatism can deter someone from attending their first meeting. This isn’t an appealing approach. An AA member dictating to a newcomer “exactly what they need to do,” either based on “personal experience” or citing “page XX of the big book,” can be off-putting to someone genuinely seeking help. Bear in mind, many of these newcomers are vulnerable. What they need is empathy and thoughtful, personalized support.

    Challenging Traditional Attitudes

    Again, some old-timers might argue, “the program is the program, people need to hear it raw! Otherwise, they may never discover the truth that can liberate them!” To this, one might sarcastically add, “And why not end with ‘F them!’?” That’s the underlying attitude.

    Addressing Ego and ‘Big-Shot-ism’

    But isn’t this attitude reminiscent of the ‘Big-Shot-ism’ that Bill W. warned against? To quote my mother, “who died and made you king?” Who anointed you the absolute authority in AA? I can tell you who – your ego. Such a position doesn’t exist. And as we’ve discussed before, for alcoholics, in most cases, ego is not your friend.

    Effective Communication Techniques

    So, if you wish to enhance your effectiveness in delivering a persuasive AA message in meetings, one-on-one, or in conversations, I encourage you to adopt these established communication techniques:

    1. Think before you speak – Pause and consider your words’ impact
    2. Speak in complete sentences – Clear thoughts require clear expression
    3. Stay focused on your main point – Avoid tangents that confuse your message
    4. Avoid over-sharing – Respect time limits and others’ attention spans
    5. Describe rather than prescribe – Share what worked for you, not what others “must” do
    6. Refrain from speaking for others – Use “I” statements instead of “we” or “you”
    7. Provide brief examples – Illustrate your points with concrete, relatable experiences
    8. Limit and soften loaded terms – Be mindful of spiritually or medically charged language
    9. Prioritize empathy, compassion, and understanding – Remember your audience’s vulnerability

    The Impact of Thoughtful Communication

    When we communicate thoughtfully, we create an environment where newcomers feel safe to explore recovery. We model the kind of person they might become – someone who speaks with wisdom rather than authority, experience rather than dogma.

    Moving Forward Together

    Effective communication in recovery isn’t about walking on eggshells or diluting our message. It’s about delivering our experience with the same care we’d want to receive if we were walking into our first meeting, scared and hoping someone might understand.

    The goal isn’t to be perfect speakers but to be conscious communicators who remember that our words have power – power to heal or harm, to welcome or alienate, to inspire hope or instill fear.

    Conclusion

    Recovery communication is ultimately about connection. When we speak from experience rather than expertise, when we share rather than preach, and when we remember that we’re all just fellow travelers on this path, our words become bridges rather than barriers.

    The most powerful AA message isn’t delivered through perfect rhetoric or memorized Big Book passages – it’s communicated through the authentic sharing of one alcoholic talking to another with honesty, humility, and hope.

    In the end, how we say something is often more important than what we say. Our delivery can make the difference between someone walking back through the doors or never returning. That’s a responsibility worth taking seriously.g. That’s a responsibility worth taking seriously.

  • The Magic of Pausing

    The Magic of Pausing

    There is a saying you sometimes hear in meetings: for every year of sobriety, you get one second of pause before reacting.

    It sounds good. It is also plainly untrue. I have known people with decades of sobriety who could still overreact under the right circumstances. I have been one of them.

    The saying survives because the underlying idea matters. “Pause when agitated” is simple advice with a difficult requirement: notice what is happening before the reaction takes over.

    A pause is not passivity

    Pausing does not mean avoiding a decision, tolerating mistreatment, or pretending not to feel angry. It means creating enough room to choose what happens next.

    Sometimes the right response is firm. Sometimes it is leaving. Sometimes it is apologizing, asking a question, making a call, or doing nothing until the facts are clearer. The pause does not dictate the answer. It improves the chance that the answer belongs to you rather than to the first surge of emotion.

    What I actually do

    I have found that vague intentions are not much use when I am already agitated. A short sequence works better:

    1. Stop talking. I rarely improve an agitated moment by adding another sentence.
    2. Name the problem. Am I angry, afraid, embarrassed, tired, or trying to win?
    3. Check the urgency. Does this require action now, or does it merely feel as though it does?
    4. Change the setting. A walk, a glass of water, or a few minutes away can interrupt momentum.
    5. Use another mind. I call someone who is likely to tell me the truth, not merely agree with me.
    6. Return with a purpose. What outcome matters after the heat is gone?

    Recovery language is not neuroscience

    It is tempting to decorate a useful recovery idea with claims about dopamine, brain circuits, or neural pathways. I do not need those claims to say what decades of experience have taught me: an immediate reaction often creates a second problem.

    Psychology and neuroscience study attention, emotion, habit, stress, and decision-making. Those fields are valuable. A brief AA slogan is not a scientific explanation, and I am not qualified to turn it into one.

    The pause can fail

    Some days I notice agitation early. Some days I recognize it after the damage is done. Sobriety does not make anyone immune to anger, fear, impulsivity, trauma, mental-health symptoms, or ordinary bad judgment.

    If reactions feel dangerous, uncontrollable, or connected with a mental-health condition, professional care may be appropriate. AA members can offer experience and support. They do not diagnose or treat mental-health conditions.

    Progress looks ordinary

    The useful moments are rarely dramatic. I do not send the message. I ask one more question. I wait until morning. I admit that I am reacting to an old injury rather than the current event. I discover that the emergency was mostly happening inside me.

    That is the magic of pausing, if we insist on calling it magic. It gives the next decision a chance to be better than the first impulse.

    Pause When Agitated shares lived experience and general information. It does not provide medical or mental-health advice. Read the Medical Disclaimer.

  • The Plain Language Big Book

    The Plain Language Big Book

    The Plain Language Big Book: A New Chapter in AA Literature

    AA World Services has just published the “Plain Language Big Book,” a significant addition to AA’s literature that aims to make our program’s message more accessible. The book is now available for purchase at meetings, through Amazon, and directly from AA World Services.

    This publication represents years of careful development and has received full approval as official AA literature. The process began at the 71st General Service Conference (GSC) in 2021, which advised the book’s development. Progress reports and sample chapters were reviewed at subsequent conferences, with the final draft receiving approval by substantial unanimity at the 74th GSC in April 2024. This thorough process establishes the text as Conference Approved Literature.

    Understanding the Purpose


    The Plain Language Big Book isn’t meant to replace the original Big Book but rather to serve as an additional resource. It was crafted by AA members and publishing professionals specifically to support alcoholics on their recovery path. This new version addresses a long-expressed need within the fellowship. Some members may have limited contact with others who could help explain AA’s program and specific vocabulary. Others might struggle with reading, particularly with language from an earlier era.

    What’s Different


    The new publication maintains the essential content of the original Big Book while presenting it in more contemporary language. For example, here’s how the often-read first paragraph of Chapter 5 has been rewritten:

    “It’s very rare for someone to complete commit to the A.A. program and still fail. People who do not recover are the ones who can’t or won’t follow this simple program. They are usually people who simply cannot be honest with themselves. We don’t meet a lot of people like this, but they do exist. It is not their fault. They seem to have been born this way. But because they cannot be honest with themselves, they are unlikely to succeed in their recovery.”

    The book includes helpful additions like a glossary defining common AA terms such as “dry drunk” and “abstinence.” Dr. Silkworth’s foundational letters (“To Whom it May Concern” and “The Doctor’s Opinion”) are presented alongside “Plain Language Explanations” that provide context and modern interpretation. The first 164 pages, Bill’s Story, Dr. Bob’s Nightmare, and the appendices are all included in this new format.

    You can view some sample pages here. And you can order a copy from AA Worldservice here, although it is currently backordered.

    Early Reactions and Looking Forward


    As with any significant change in AA literature, initial reactions in online forums have been mixed. Some members question the need for this new version, while others welcome the effort to make our message more accessible. As our fellowship has learned over decades of experience, time and practical application will be the true measure of this publication’s value.

    I look forward to providing a more detailed review after reading the complete text. For now, this effort to make AA’s life-saving message more accessible aligns perfectly with our primary purpose of carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Any tool that helps more people understand and engage with our program of recovery deserves thoughtful consideration.

    [Editor’s note: I will update this post with a full review once I’ve received and read my copy of the Plain Language Big Book.]

  • 37 Years Sober: Lessons on Recovery, Gratitude, and Growth in AA

    37 Years Sober: Lessons on Recovery, Gratitude, and Growth in AA

    Introduction: A Milestone of Gratitude

    August 1 marks my Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Birthday – 37 years sober. It’s an incredible milestone, and I’m filled with gratitude and humility as my life continues to be transformed in unexpected ways through AA, shaping me into a better person. A heartfelt thank you to all those I’ve shared this journey with and learned so much from. Your support and wisdom have been invaluable.

    I’m pleased to report that “Quit AA and start drinking!” is nowhere on my retirement bucket list. Why would it be? As they say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

    Instead, I’ve never been more at peace with AA, despite recognizing that it’s not a perfect recovery program tailored exclusively to my needs. Therein lies the most profound change I’ve experienced in the past several years of sobriety: my judgement has been severely deemphasized and I’m far more selective about which of my thoughts merit further attention. This shift has allowed me to approach life, and AA, with greater acceptance and less criticism, leading to a deeper sense of serenity.

    My Personal Journey to Sobriety in AA

    I’m profoundly grateful for stumbling into the AA rooms, connecting with the message of the abstinence solution, and the people who personally delivered it to me. This delivery often happened one-on-one, with one recovering alcoholic talking to another before and after meetings, and crucially, during those late-night conversations at coffee shops.

    Despite suffering directly from alcoholism for many years, when I came to AA I needed some serious education on the basics. What alcoholism is and isn’t, and what is everyone doing to stay sober through AA that seems to be working. I was curious and interested.

    For reasons I’m still uncovering, I found the energy and willingness to “go to any length” in the unique way required for my sobriety. For me, this meant persistently returning to meetings, paying close attention, asking questions, and humbly listening instead of talking.

    Back then, at least in the meetings I attended, newcomer sharing wasn’t encouraged. The thinking was that as a newcomer, I was there to learn about AA and recovery, not to share my limited understanding or experiences. Learning that facing my fears, admitting to my lack of control (AA called this powerlessness), and being open to a new way of living was yet to come.

    Some might call this mental state a “miracle.” I prefer to think of it as a combination of desperation and fortuitous timing. Regardless of the label, the program stuck. I found a sponsor, worked the steps diligently, and my life has never been the same.

    The Old AA: Tough Love and Clear Expectations

    I’m often asked about the type of AA I encountered in my early days, often described as the “tough love” or “shut up, sit down, and hold on” approach. Indeed, there were some very basic expectations back then:

    • Show up on time (no late attendees could share)
    • Sit through the entire meeting (at least until the smoke break)
    • Show deference toward the old-timers. Or, at least know who the old-timers were

    Newcomers were often told:

    • “Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth”
    • “You have two ears and one mouth, use them in that ratio!”
    • “If you want to eat, you have to work. Nothing is more dangerous than a newly sober person without a job!”

    While this approach had its merits in providing clear structure and expectations, it’s important to acknowledge that it could be intimidating or off-putting for some. The directness worked for me, offering unambiguous guidance when I needed it most.

    I don’t know if people were a bit thicker skinned back then, but it worked and as a result was quite common and hardly controversial. Today, I’m not sure this approach would work.

    The Changing Landscape of Recovery

    As we transition from my personal experiences to the broader landscape of recovery, it’s important to note how much has changed since I first entered the rooms of AA.

    Today, I think via the well-intentioned motivation to be more inclusive and less harsh, the recovery landscape looks quite different. I rarely hear clear definitions of sobriety in meetings anymore. Sobriety is a pretty foundational concept and I know I needed it defined when I came in and was helpful to hear.

    The worlds of science, pharmacology, mental health, and addiction treatment have evolved significantly over the past three decades, however. So, many of these old cliches are no longer heard.

    Add to that many newcomers to AA today arrive after attending rehab, Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), or other medically supervised treatments. They come with a wealth of ideas presented as facts, which can sometimes conflict or without interpretation seem to be at odds with traditional AA principles.

    The result is that many newcomers become unnecessarily confused and may drop out of AA, opting instead for therapy, other recovery programs, or attempting sobriety on their own, armed with this new information and the belief that “AA isn’t for me.” I think this decision to abandon AA can be a hasty, ill-informed, and unnecessary one with tragic consequences.

    How AA Can Adapt to Modern Recovery

    To address these challenges, and get more people to stick, I believe AA needs to provide updated information that reflects our changing world of recovery. Here are some suggestions:

    1. Develop clear guidelines on contemporary issues like legal cannabis use and emerging treatments that include medications other than antabuse.
    2. Not sure how this would be done but toning down the emphasis on spirituality to accommodate the growing population of young agnostics and atheists, while still preserving the spiritual aspect for those who find it beneficial is prudent and logical.
    3. Address common questions transparently, such as:
      • “If I use legal cannabis for medical reasons, am I still considered sober?”
      • “How does recreational cannabis use align with AA principles of sobriety?”
      • “What types of therapy have been proven most complementary to recovery success?”
    4. Provide guidance on how AA can work alongside other treatment modalities and support systems.

    Conclusion: Embracing Change While Honoring Tradition

    As we celebrate milestones like 37 years of sobriety, it’s crucial to recognize that the world of recovery is evolving and will continue to evolve. The core principles of AA remain powerful and effective, but there’s a need to address the impact the changing landscape of substance use, mental health, and societal norms on the broader area of recovery.

    By providing clearer guidelines on contemporary issues and embracing a more inclusive approach, AA can continue to be a beacon of hope for those seeking recovery. The challenge lies in balancing the time-tested wisdom of the program with the need for adaptation in a rapidly changing world.

    I understand historically the AA position has been largely one of AA Central Office not commenting on what they label as “outside issues” alongside holding the “first 164 pages” as sacrosanct. But, the world has changed, information is everywhere, and frankly, some guidance is required.

    Throughout my 37 years of sobriety, I’ve witnessed tremendous personal growth, not just in staying sober but in all aspects of life. AA has provided me with tools to navigate relationships, career challenges, and personal setbacks. This ongoing growth is a testament to the program’s enduring value.

    As we move forward, let’s strive to maintain the essence of what makes AA work – the connection, support, and shared experience of one alcoholic helping another – while also being open to addressing the complex questions and challenges faced by newcomers today. In doing so, we can ensure that AA remains relevant, effective, and welcoming to all who seek its help for many years to come.

    Our task is to carry the message of hope and recovery to the still-suffering alcoholic, in whatever form that may take in today’s world. Let’s embrace this challenge with open minds and grateful hearts. As for me, I look forward to continuing my journey in AA, growing alongside the program as it evolves, and helping others find the peace and freedom that sobriety has brought to my life.

  • Why Getting Sober is Challenging

    Why Getting Sober is Challenging

    The Issue at Hand

    In the United States, “alcohol-related death” tragically stands as the third leading preventable cause of death, claiming roughly 95,000 lives annually. Over several decades, alcohol-related deaths increased at an average annual rate of 7%, but startlingly, this figure jumped to 27% during the pandemic.

    Excessive alcohol consumption can lead to severe health complications such as high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease, and liver cirrhosis. It is also a prominent factor in traffic-related fatalities. Roughly one-third of serious falls among the elderly occur while under the influence. Additionally, the toll that heavy drinking can take on personal relationships is notable.

    Crossing the Threshold

    For some individuals, drinking is a sporadic indulgence. For others, it is a conscious choice and an essential part of their social life, often without serious consequences. Sharing a rare bottle of wine with friends and family to commemorate a special occasion or having a beer after a pick-up sports game can create cherished memories.

    Regrettably, for some, the casual enjoyment of an alcoholic beverage is impossible because their drinking has become a compulsion and a frequent source of trouble for their relationships, jobs, and finances. What was once a source of pleasure has become a behavior they wish to modify. However, cutting back or stopping proves to be challenging, or even impossible. The lack of willpower and the frustration they encounter often surprises them.

    Why is Quitting So Difficult?

    Determining the root cause for overconsumption of alcohol is not simple, nor is identifying when that consumption becomes excessive. When does drinking cross the line and become a matter that necessitates help?

    Despite extensive genetic research, no singular “alcoholism gene” has been identified. Hence, a clear-cut diagnosis of “alcoholism” can be elusive.

    Although alcoholism is acknowledged as a medical issue that should be diagnosable and treatable, the success rates are inconsistent. Over the years, clergy members and social care workers have attempted to assist heavy drinkers in cutting back or quitting, but the success rates have been variable.

    This inconsistency may be due to the fact that alcohol misuse is a multifaceted behavior influenced by numerous internal and external factors. Further complicating matters, some individuals do manage to reduce their consumption or quit altogether at different stages in their lives.

    It’s clear that the problem of alcoholism is complex, and ceasing consumption is, at best, challenging. Worryingly, alcohol does not seem to be losing its appeal.

    AA and the Road to Recovery

    Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) was founded in the late 1930s by a stockbroker and a doctor, Bill Wilson and Bob Smith, who found success in sobriety by working together. They discovered that collaborating with other alcoholics who share the goal of complete abstinence was a crucial component of recovery. Since its inception, AA has spread worldwide, assisting millions in achieving sobriety and leading happier, more productive lives without alcohol.

    The cornerstone of AA’s recovery program, “The Twelve Steps,” is contained within the book Alcoholics Anonymous. This text, first published in 1939 and now in its fourth edition, has sold over thirty million copies and has aided tens of millions in achieving and maintaining sobriety.

    A recent literature review by Stanford University identified AA as the most effective recovery program among all those evaluated.

    Embark on the Journey to Sobriety – Start Now!

    The first step toward recovery in AA is acknowledging to yourself that you have a problem with alcohol.

    The next step is deciding to become sober – this is where AA can offer invaluable support.

    In AA, you can gain insights about alcoholism from those who have experienced its challenges firsthand and have successfully navigated recovery using AA’s Twelve Steps.

    Moreover, they genuinely want to assist you. It’s part of their journey too!

    Local Fellowships

    If you believe you have a problem with alcohol and wish to quit, a local Fellowship (also called “clubs” or “Alano Club”) can provide help with numerous meetings a week and a supportive community of hundreds of like-minded individuals. These meetings can offer you a deeper understanding of your drinking problem and guide you towards recovery through the Twelve Steps of AA.

    The American philosopher William James, founder of the first school of psychology at Harvard, once said, “To change, do it dramatically and do it at once!”

    Relief and a fulfilling, sober life await you just around the corner, and the first step is going to a meeting. Google “AA Meetings near me,” to find one today!

  • Jim’s Chair

    Jim’s Chair

    After years of adhering to the traditional extemporaneous style commonly used by AA speakers, I decided to take a different approach this time. I chose to compose and edit my speech in advance of the meeting.

    Although my delivery might have seemed a bit stiff and could have benefited from more rehearsal to appear more spontaneous, I am quite satisfied with the content I shared.

    An additional benefit of this method is that, since the speech was pre-composed, I can share it online. This allows those who were unable to attend to experience it as well. I hope it serves as an inspiration.

    Good evening. My name is Jim, and yes, I am an alcoholic.

    I stand before you, a patchwork of many things, warmed by familiar faces and stories that resonate with the hum of our shared journey. A special thanks to the friend who invited me to share a slice of my AA odyssey tonight.

    Gratitude hardly captures the essence of what AA has bestowed upon me. Perfection is not the prize here; it’s about evolving into the best version of ourselves. And today, and I say this with humility, I’m the most authentic Jim I’ve ever been. I am also the happiest and most energetic Jim I’ve ever been. 

    If you’re on the fence about this path, let me offer my story as a beacon of hope. Long-term sobriety is a gift everyone deserves to unwrap. As many of you long timers know, it is a gift that keeps giving regardless of what life presents.

    My Backstory

    Rewind more than two decades, and you’ll find me, my wife, and our newborn moving from Southern California to Northern California. Why, you ask? That question still dances around our dinner table, its answer as elusive as ever.

    My sober roots took hold in Southern California, where several neighboring beach communities shared a distinct local culture.

    My high school years in Southern California, set against a backdrop of insanely great music, mediocre marijuana, and constant mayhem, somehow concluded with a diploma, despite my relentless efforts to achieve the opposite through a haze of intoxication.

    Junior College was my next ill-fated stop, followed by a near-miss at a degree from a California university, just 12 units shy, thanks to a two-quarter tailspin fueled by alcohol.

    In those pre-background check days, a fabric of lies covered the holes in my story, complete with a faux graduation party that even my parents attended.

    Hitting Bottom

    But that wasn’t rock bottom—not yet. I still had to travel to a mountain town to take my addictions even further. Apparently, I needed to have MDMA be part of my story.  Humiliatingly this chapter ended with me begging my mother for a pad to crash at while I “sorted things out.”

    On my mom’s couch I was still hopeless, lost, and confused. What happened to me, I thought. I had all that potential! Now I couldn’t even land a minimum wage job.

    Then I had what Jules in Pulp Fiction called “what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity”, at a local Thursday night meeting. A stranger spoke of making amends, and a light flickered on inside me. I think it was hope. I hadn’t felt that in a while.

    The Last Best Hope – AA

    I was then just a couple days sober but was clearheaded enough to think, “AA can help me reboot my life.” And, I better not screw this up like everything else. AA seemed like my last best hope. Not a minute too soon either.  

    A local AA group took me in, and I was marinated in classic AA culture—meetings, post-meeting coffee runs, and the relentless nudge towards the steps.

    To the outside world, my life was in disarray. Living in a cash-only motel that promised nothing beyond a roof, I was shadowed by debt and the concept of steady employment was as distant as a mirage. It sucked.

    Yet, through this, I found my stride in meetings, chipping away at the steps, until life began to shift.

    An old timer at meeting, one of those who is always sharing, said, “Doing a Fifth Step was a catharsis!” Adding, “for those who don’t know –a catharsis is like taking an inside shower!” Calm down, old-timer. We know what a catharsis is.

    I knew what he was talking about but for me it was the ninth step where I felt everything turn.

    Transformation

    Soon afterward those elusive 12 units were completed, a salaried job materialized, and unexpectedly, a company car. My address changed to a condo beside a busy freeway that seemed like a huge step up from the motel. That deafening sound? We called it our ocean, but make no mistake—it was a freeway.

    AA stayed my constant as life’s tapestry grew richer. Service positions, countless meetings, and a litany of blunders didn’t deter my ascent. Then love entered the equation, followed by a house, a dog, a child, and the impulsive leap to Northern California.

    The transition wasn’t seamless. The AA in my new home didn’t fit my old expectations. The clipboard was foreign, and calling on numbers rather than people to share didn’t seem smart. Apologies to those remembering me then not noticing the “work in progress sign” my neck. I’m sure it was there.

    But kindness from the AA people bridged the divide. A local men’s meeting became my anchor, and there I met my sponsor of 17 years—a bond that time has only strengthened.

    Friendships in AA have been my wealth, and I stand before you, a retired man living a life of choice, all thanks to the foundation of AA and the gift of sobriety.

    Two Nuggets of Wisdom

    After attending thousands of meetings across 36 years of sobriety, I offer you these two nuggets of wisdom:

    First, cultivate curiosity. Curiosity is a trait that’s served me since my childhood, leading me to a Philosophy degree, A master’s degree in communication and into the depths of AA. Curiosity spurred countless questions, deepened my understanding, and left me at peace with our program and the contradictions and challenges one might expect from something created over 80 years ago.

    Writing has been a keen ally for me in this quest for understanding, and I know many of you share the enthusiasm for discovery that comes through journaling.

    Second, I would encourage you to embrace the AA adage, to “Keep coming back.” It’s as simple as abstinence, but a bit more profound, as it holds the promise of untold treasures just around life’s bend.

    In recent years, I’ve seen myself anew, seeking to let go rather than control, to support rather than criticize, and as a result have calmed down and making many new and surprising friends.

    All of this serves as a reminder that my knowledge is but a drop in the vast ocean of life. And everything can and will change.

    And, One Last Thing

    And what, in the end, do I really know? I always ask myself this. Here I borrow from Winston Churchill’s who described Russia as ‘a riddle wrapped in mystery inside an enigma.” Sort of captures it.  The Big Book, too, states it a bit more directly, we realize we know only a little.

    Just as I stood before you tonight, a patchwork of stories and experiences, I leave you with the essence of our shared journey in AA. It’s about the evolution, not the perfection, and it’s about the collective strength we find in the stories we share and the steps we take.

    Steve Jobs once urged us to ‘Stay Hungry. Be Foolish.’ Great advice for normal folks, but that’s not us. For us who have experienced that horror that is alcoholism today it’s about staying curious and embracing the path of continuous growth. Our only obstacle is a less than fully open mind.

    So, as I began this evening by thanking David for inviting me to speak, I end by thanking each of you, for it’s in your presence that I’m reminded of our most valuable lesson: ‘Stay Curious and keep coming back.’

    Together, we can and will become the most authentic versions of ourselves. Thank you.

  • Communicating in AA and Sobriety Without Putting People Off

    Communicating in AA and Sobriety Without Putting People Off

    Communicating Matters in AA

    A recurring theme on this site is communication — how we talk to newcomers, how we share in meetings, and whether what we say actually helps. When your message lands the way you intended, people stay. When it doesn’t, they walk out and sometimes don’t come back.

    Thinking Out Loud Is Part of the Process

    Sometimes you don’t know exactly what you’re trying to say until you hear yourself say it. Shares at meetings often have that half-formed quality — and that’s fine. Not every AA member needs to be a polished speaker. That’s not the point.

    Where Things Go Wrong

    The problem isn’t imperfect sharing. It’s when people use loaded terms with dogmatic certainty, or tell newcomers exactly what they “need to do” as if reading from a manual. Words like God, Higher Power, spirituality, prescription medicine, and rehab all carry emotional baggage for different people. Using them carelessly — especially with newcomers who are already scared — can shut people down before they’ve had a chance to get honest.

    Some old-timers push back on this: “The program is the program! People need to hear it raw!” But isn’t that the kind of Big-Shot-ism Bill W. warned against? No one appointed you the final authority in that room. And for most alcoholics, ego is not your friend.

    What Actually Helps

    If you want your sharing to land — in meetings, one-on-one, anywhere — a few things make a real difference:

    • Think before you speak. Pause and consider what you’re actually trying to say.
    • Describe, don’t prescribe. Share what worked for you, not what others “must” do.
    • Use “I” statements. Don’t speak for everyone in the room.
    • Stay focused. Avoid tangents that confuse your main point.
    • Go easy on the loaded terms. Be aware that charged language can alienate the people who need to hear you most.

    Compassionate communication isn’t about walking on eggshells or watering down your message. It’s about delivering your experience the way you’d want it delivered if you were the one sitting in that seat for the first time, scared and looking for a reason to stay.

    The most powerful AA message isn’t delivered through perfect rhetoric or memorized Big Book passages. It comes from one alcoholic talking honestly to another. How you say something is often as important as what you say.

  • Addiction and ADHD: What I See in the Rooms

    Addiction and ADHD: What I See in the Rooms

    Have you ever been at a meeting when the topic has been going for twenty minutes and someone raises a hand to ask, “Wait, what are we talking about?”

    I have seen it many times. For years, I assumed it was distraction or disengagement. After receiving my own ADHD diagnosis, I began to wonder whether I had been too quick to judge behavior I did not understand.

    This is a personal reflection, not a diagnostic guide. Difficulty concentrating, restlessness, impulsivity, and poor follow-through can have many causes. Substance use, intoxication, withdrawal, sleep problems, anxiety, depression, trauma, medication, and other health conditions can resemble or complicate ADHD symptoms.

    What I notice in the rooms

    Recovery culture sometimes treats fidgeting, interrupting, forgetfulness, or inconsistent follow-through as proof of a character defect. That interpretation may fit some situations and completely miss others.

    An AA member or sponsor cannot tell from meeting behavior whether someone has ADHD. Neither can this article. A careful assessment looks at the person’s history, including whether symptoms were present before substance use and whether other conditions could better explain them.

    ADHD and substance use can occur together

    ADHD is among the mental-health conditions that can occur alongside a substance use disorder. The relationship is complicated. It should not be reduced to a single explanation such as self-medication or poor impulse control.

    SAMHSA describes co-occurring mental-health and substance use disorders as conditions that benefit from careful screening and coordinated care. Symptoms connected with substance use can resemble ADHD, which is another reason not to diagnose yourself or someone else in a meeting.

    What this means for recovery

    AA can provide peer support. It does not diagnose or treat ADHD. A sponsor can help with AA experience, routines, honesty, and connection, but medical and mental-health questions belong with qualified professionals.

    If long-standing problems with attention, organization, impulsivity, or overwhelm are interfering with your life, consider discussing them with a qualified healthcare professional. An evaluation can explore ADHD and other possible explanations.

    Do not stop or change prescribed medication because of advice from an AA member or a website. Treatment decisions should be made with the prescribing professional, with substance-use history discussed openly.

    A better response inside AA

    • Ask questions before assigning motives.
    • Distinguish AA experience from medical opinion.
    • Support reasonable accommodations and different ways of participating.
    • Encourage professional assessment without trying to predict the diagnosis.
    • Respect prescribed treatment and personal privacy.

    My diagnosis changed how I understand some of my own behavior. It did not make me an authority on anyone else’s brain. That distinction matters.

    For more information, read the Medical Disclaimer and SAMHSA’s guidance on screening and treatment of co-occurring disorders.

  • Simplicity and Complexity

    Simplicity and Complexity

    In the journey towards sobriety, there are two sides to the AA coin. On one side is the elegant simplicity of abstinence from alcohol. Conversely, the other side reveals the complex tapestry of our lives, each one unique in its approach to sobriety.

    This dichotomy lends an endlessly fascinating aspect to the AA program. Once you make the choice to abstain from drink (and other mind-altering chemicals) or express a desire to do so, the scope for discussion with a sponsor, fellow AA, or within an AA meeting is virtually limitless. Topics encompassing relationships, work, emotions, and beliefs regularly surface under this AA umbrella. And rightly so, as harmonizing these diverse aspects of life is crucial to living a fulfilling and happy life.

    Practical advice gleaned from real-world experiences is a treasure in this journey. Isn’t it wonderful when such advice can be adapted to one’s life situation, helping to maintain sobriety while enhancing effectiveness and satisfaction?

    The Challenge: Simplifying Complexity

    Despite the “keep it simple” mindset, cataloging a varied menu of problems and solutions proves challenging. We often simplify issues to a list of “top 3 things,” but these oversimplifications often raise more questions than they provide answers.

    Consider the common advice for success in AA:

    1. Get a Sponsor.
    2. Read the Book.
    3. Go to Meetings.

    While this guidance holds true for most, it begs deeper questions such as, how do you choose a sponsor? When is the right time to do so? How do you engage with them? How do you know you’ve made the right choice? Similar questions can be raised for each point.

    In my decades of attending AA, I have continuously pondered ways to simplify the AA message, especially now that simple reminders are increasingly valuable due to a less sharp memory.

    My Program Acronym: ACE

    To aid in this simplification, I’ve created an acronym encapsulating the irrefutable elements of a good AA program: ACE.

    ACE stands for:

    A – Abstinence C – Conscientiousness E – Empathy

    Each word signifies clear, substantial concepts aligning with the core values of Alcoholics Anonymous. These concepts are applicable in various situations, leading to something accountable and concrete. You’re either practicing each one, or you’re not.

    Moreover, this simple, memorable acronym has proven more beneficial than the overly complicated “Twelve Principles behind the Steps” or the often-quoted “trust God, clean house.” As popular as these may be, they have not been as useful to me as ACE.

    Understanding the Vocabulary of Sobriety

    When I got sober, I often heard old-timers advising new members to “use a dictionary because it’s important to know what the words that can save your life mean!” Keeping that in mind, here are the definitions of the words that compose ACE:

    • Abstinence – Restraining oneself from indulging in something, typically alcohol. Some common synonyms include self-control, self-denial, self-restraint, sobriety, and temperance.
    • Conscientiousness – Wishing to do one’s work or duty well and thoroughly. Common synonyms are honest, honorable, just, ethical, and upright. These all imply an active moral sense governing actions and painstaking efforts to follow one’s conscience.
    • Empathy – The ability to understand and share the feelings of another without necessarily sharing them. Positive emotions like empathy or gratitude are linked to a more positive continual state. People experiencing these emotions are more likely to help others.

    Sharing the Knowledge

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