Pause When Agitated

Sober Living Tips

Popular Posts

AA Fundamentalism

by

 

Eventually, all in recovery will come up against so-called “book thumpers” in AA meetings.  Thumpers are well-intentioned AA members who stress the book Alcoholics Anonymous (aka “Big Book”) as the ultimate and final source of all matters of recovery. Not just the writing as a whole, but the words themselves, line-by-line.

Fundamentalists

I call these thumpers “AA fundamentalists.”  I choose this label because they view the Big Book similarly to the way fundamentalist Christians view the Bible. Divinely inspired and infallible. Both Big Book Thumpers and Fundamentalists will tell you that God either wrote or had a hand in these “sacred” texts.

Alongside this is the idea that if you really want to understand what those texts say, you best suspend any experience-based interpretation and simply take the book literally as it is word-by-word. It is, after all, divinely written. And, because it is so specific, the words leave little question for the reader if only they interpret well. The book, they will say,  is the final authority on all matters in question and trumps anything else someone may think or say.

This type of Big Book is-the-final authority attitude is one everyone has heard if they go to enough meetings.

Shoot – God Didn’t Write the Big Book!

While God-as-author is a promising angle to adopt when looking to understand difficult books and ideas, does anyone want to claim that God wrote the Big Book?  I guess, maybe some do? But, a big claim like that would require some extraordinary evidence to make it so. I don’t see that evidence.

The authorship of the Big Book has a paper trail. There are drafts with notes you can view in the archives. The first edition was most certainly not written by a deity. Mere mortals wrote it. The much-beloved first 164 pages were written by a few part-time AA member-writers then edited by a group that pulled it all together to its final form. That is a fact.

But Wait! What About Divine Inspiration?

While books may be inspired by all kinds of things, in the end, book writers write books. As such, books are the products of fallible, often inexact, human beings. Talk to any serious writer, and they will tell you that what they wrote yesterday could change if they wrote it again today or at another hour.

In fact, many writers often revisit, and then re-edit pieces of work in progress or previously published.  Writing is like that. What the writer is trying to say often becomes more precise and manifest over time. New information comes in. So taking ideas and concepts literally, word-by-word, outside of personal experience, from over 75 years ago, is not a very sound practice. At least, in my humble opinion. But, despite all that, some do.

I Get the Appeal

I do get it that in our world of flux, having a text that is the fixed final authority for all my troubles in sobriety (or any other problem area) would be wonderful to have.  Wouldn’t it be great to have a “magic book” that when you open it knows you and your troubles personally and then answers them through a divinely selected and authored passage?

Sadly, the world I live in does not have such books. The world I inhabit has books that often require an update or a complete rewrite. My world is continuously changing with technology, science, and medicine.

Despite this, for some in AA, the first 164 pages of the Big Book remain sacrosanct. Any effort to edit these foundational pages never gains steam. Except for a few very minor grammatical changes across the four editions of the Big Book, these 164 pages of the Big Book has remained unchanged since its publication on April 10, 1939.  And, there seems to be little to no appetite from old-timers to change a single word any time soon. The unintended consequence of this unchanging status is more Big Book Thumping.

Glaring Omissions Given it is 2020

While I am thrilled people feel a great sense of security keeping these words intact, any reader of the Big Book in 2020 has to agree that it could use a bit of updating if the goal is to get more people involved and sober. It’s just missing things.

Add to that many newcomers find the Big Book’s anachronistic tone off-putting. Further, there are glaring omissions in those first 164 pages. Failure to have nary a mention of what nearly every newcomer to AA wants to know and continuously hears about in meetings doesn’t help spread the message.

There are also these ommissions:

  • No specific mention of a sponsor.  A sponsor is perhaps the single most crucial ingredient for a newcomer to building a foundation for a lifetime of sobriety. Yet, no specific call out to “get a sponsor” in those sacred pages. The thumpers are unfazed and will tell you that the Big Book talks about having a “friend,” which is similar to the role of the sponsor. They will go on to say the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions covers sponsorship in more detail if you want it. Or, they will add, “that is the role of meetings and the fellowship to flesh those inconsistencies out.”
  • No mention of meetings? At the time of publication, AAs had meetings once a week (or even less frequently). They were hardly the daily staple they have become for many in sobriety today. Why no mention? Why no update? Should I go to three meetings a day because I can?
  • There is also no mention of treatment centers, pharmacology and sobriety, common mental illnesses, poly-addictions, the role of genetics in diagnosis, chronic relapsers, and a far more broad understanding of what is now called Alcohol User Disorder (AUD).

Hopefully, a new version of the Big Book would address these issues. But, don’t hold your breath for a new updated issue anytime soon. Keeping the first 164 pages intact is a hill old-timers are happy to die on.

So for now, with earnest newcomers, the whole AA experience can be confusing. The newcomer has to deal with multiple books, pamphlets, and all kinds of points of view.

So maybe that is where fundamentalist thumpers can help, at least initially. Give simple directions to the newcomer referencing the book.  But, AAs have a tendency to take it too far as they will soon be quoting chapter and verse like a preacher. That religious zeal is a huge turn off to many.

The Grown-Up Approach

So how ought one approach the Big Book if not in a literal word-by-word way? The grown-up way is to read the text with the lens of experience providing richer context.

  • What is meant by the passage?
  • How is this being practically applied by sober folks?
  • If you want to make it work, what is the best way to look at it?
  • Look through a lens of tolerance for other viewpoints.
  • Through it all, keep an open mind.

Those are the questions to ask when reading the Big Book.

Stop Quoting

So, please, can we all stop quoting the book chapter and verse in meetings? I have. And, if you’re an old-timer, it is harder than you think.

We all want to sound smart like we know what we’re talking about. Human nature. But I have come to believe that quoting the Big Book is less about helping and more about serving my ego.  “Look at me! Aren’t I smart!”

And as a sponsor it is great to talk about “dictionary definitions” but, was that the intention of the Big Book authors to “study” it line-by-line, decade-after-decade? I think not. But, again, I’m sure some disagree.

I think the best way to use the Big Book’s first 164 pages is by triangulating them with a sponsor, your group, and your conscience. This combined insight is a powerful combination that can go beyond words to introduce practical experience into working the steps (and whatever problems an AA may be struggling with).

Remember, the foundational dynamic of AA is not a sacred text that sober oracles can quote, but rather, it is the interaction of “One drunk talking to another” and making an honest go at the steps – together. Most of the time, when you that happens, that is the combination whereby you get sobriety.

And finally, this stepping back from fundamentalism honors the idea of humility and that we don’t have all the answers. To quote the Big Book, “we realize we know only a little.”

Compassion v. Tone Deafness

by

Now is the time to show compassion at AA meetings.

Give Tough Love and Ego Smashing a Break

The euphemistically labeled “tough love and ego smashing good-old-days of AA” had its time. Today it has mostly been replaced by a more compassionate tone. Some like this change, others don’t.

Personally, the ribbing and jocularity I encountered at meetings were just what I needed when I got sober. In time, I developed a thicker skin and took myself a lot less seriously.  Good for me and my personality.

In recent years I have seen this approach lose favor to a softer, more compassionate one. “Shut up, sit down, and hold on” has been replaced by, “the newcomer is the most important person in the room!” This approach has been a sea change, and while it took a bit of effort getting used to it, today I like it.

Alcoholics are Wired Differently

This post is not to explore the efficacy of either approach. In my opinion, both have virtue. When synced with the right personality either approach can be the road to lifelong sobriety. People, including alcoholics, are wired differently.

Instead, this post aims to encourage AAs to be “extra” thoughtful and compassionate when sharing during these very odd days. I say this because I have heard some enthusiastic, good-intentioned pitches that might not convey that emotion.

Psychologically/Attitudinally Challenging Times

Irrespective of alcoholism, what is happening in the world today is unprecedented. As a result, today is one of the most psychologically challenging times ever. It’s a bit like a World War.

No one knows how this will play out or when it will be over. Nor does anyone know what the genuine financial ramifications will be for each of us.

I know some think this is just some overblown “fake news” designed to scare us. Respectfully, I don’t think so. Just check out what the highly respected Mayo Clinic is saying about COVID-19 and Mental Health.

Practice Empathy Before You Speak

AAs who have a strong program have an opportunity to be a bit more empathetic when sharing at AA meetings. Before we open our mouths, we should all take a moment, pause, and remember that in the meeting, perhaps more than ever, some people are genuinely struggling.

Having to rearrange a well-established routine, for one with little mobility and even less human contact, is a lot to ask for even the healthiest folks. Add to that authentic struggles with finances. New families to support. What is a person to feel?

As novel as Zoom AA meetings are for some, they aren’t for everyone. Not everyone feels comfortable sharing on camera to a screen of silent others. It’s weird. I say this as someone who has used video conferencing for years.

I believe people are feeling fear, loss, and depression, and because they are couped up, they can’t talk about it. All this is to say that for many alcoholics, this is a most trying time, and they may not even know how trying it is for them, yet. Now is time to be compassionate.

Tone Deafness

Over the years, I’ve let it rip a few times at meetings in the most insensitive ways. I regret this. I’ve shared from ego, selfishness, and denial and not from love, compassion, and wisdom. I had no idea I was doing this. That’s kind of the way self-centeredness works. I thought I was helping people (I wasn’t).

COVID-19 and the global response of shutting down the economy are like being in war.  We have little control, and what is going on is uncertain yet effects everyone. And, we all know, “War is Hell!”

So before you go into a pitch about “How great the epidemic is for your spiritual growth!” or how “I’ve never been happier,” or “I see nothing but Silver Linings, everywhere!” consider the people to whom you are talking. They may not be as lucky as you. And trust me here, this global marathon is far from over.

So, be sure to consider “kindness toward all” and sharing gratitude by displaying compassion, not tone-deafness, in your next pitch. Your empathy might be just what someone needs to stay sober another day.

AAs – Denial and Social Distancing

by

 

NOTE – THIS WAS WRITTEN JUST BEFORE CHANGES IN PUBLIC GATHERING WERE ENACTED.

We are all alarmed with COVID – 19.

Alarming to AAs specifically is that many AA meetings have a disproportionate number of older, higher risk, members – often highly valued old-timers – in attendance.

With meeting attendance being a key ingredient for the maintenance of any length of sobriety, what are the right things to do to keep AA meetings going and relatively safe?

  • Should we cancel meetings and all go virtual?
  • Should we begin hosting much smaller home meetings?
  • Or, should we just use the phone for one-on-one chats and stop going to meetings altogether?
Some Considerations

Here is a list of four considerations an alcoholic might make with respect to ongoing AA meeting attendance during this crisis. Obviously this is a complex issue and likely to be dynamically changing for the future.

This is pure fuel for thought and nothing else. I am not an authority on emergency protocols. BTW – with respect to COVID – 19, no one is. This “pandemic” and the world response to it is unlike anything I have seen before. Truly unprecedented.

Denial is Real – Alcoholics are often know-it-alls on topics they have no experience with. COVAD – 19 will be no exception. Expect to hear AA members tell you it is “overblown” a “hoax” or some other ill-informed opinion.  It is neither. It’s real and killing people. Don’t let the current numbers fool you. Up to date numbers here from WHO.

Also, remember that part of the reason China has made progress on COVID-19s spread is largely due to the enforcement a police state enables.  Similar fast success might be hard to mirror in the USA. Read about it here.

The point is, and we all know this to be true, denial runs deep in the alcoholic. Best to err on the overly-conservative side when the stakes are a potential life-threating virus.  You need to be thoughtful and make up your own mind.

This is not the time to hug, join hands, or lock arms in prayer simply because someone wants to. Do what is right for you.

Most importantly, coming to a meeting with any hint of sickness either in yourself (or with your sick children) because “you really need a meeting” is off-the-charts unacceptable.

Take Personal Responsibility – We all need to stay informed and up-to-date on the dangers to our region and out specific age group and then, act accordingly.  The current best practice is to currently to wash hands and maintain a “social distance” of at least 5 feet. So, if you’re old-timer going to a meeting where that cannot happen – it might be best to either find another one where that can happen. Or, maybe suspend going entirely until things change. Regardless, it’s up to you to insist on doing what’s best for you and your family.

Communicate Hope – If you’re been able to make it to a meeting, and you feel safe there, please don’t use the time to drone on about COVAD – 19. Remember, this is Alcoholics Annonymous, not cable news. Instead of communicating fear from the day’s events, why not share your joy of being sober for another day, week, month, or year. Share gratitude. Smile. And, listen deeply to shares by giving yourself a 60/90 minute media/cellphone break during the meeting.

Adopt a Loving Approach – A member communicated to me, “Because I love you, I will take every precaution I can to ensure I don’t give you anything that may harm you!” Simple idea, but for some, this is very hard to put into practice.  If you’re not currently thinking that way, bring it into your mediation. Then, change your behaviors in a way that impacts those around you in the best possible way.

Conclusion

Most certainly, “more will be revealed” in the coming weeks, months, or years. No one knows how this will play out. This is uncharted territory for the world, let alone AA.

What I get from meetings, I can’t get anywhere else. Meetings are an indispensable part of my program. Virtual meetings aren’t the same for me, at least today. This may change if it is all we have.

So, to ensure meetings continue for all of us, I will be overly mindful and cautious. So, if I don’t hug you, kiss you on the cheek, or hold your hand at the end of the meeting, don’t take it wrong. I’m doing it because I care for what is important to me, AA. And AA doesn’t work for all of us without you.

Stay safe and healthy.

 

 

Four Things Newcomers Should Know

by

New to AA? Sent by the courts, your psychologist, or your employer and not sure what to expect?

Or, maybe you’ve stumbled into a meeting and are now scratching your head wondering, “what the heck is going on here?”

Well, this post is for you!

AA Background

AA may be the most successful mainstream “treatment” for alcoholism. It’s been going strong for over 80 years. Its popularity and longevity are no doubt due to its effectiveness. Many people get and stay sober through the AA program.

Another reason for AA’s success has to be its cost. AA is virtually free (a $2 per meeting donation is suggested). Being free creates plusses and minuses. t.

One minus is that AA is mostly unsupervised and self-regulated. Alcoholics “self-diagnose” their alcoholism. Meetings are similarly self-policed. The result is all sorts of people come and go into all qualities of AA meetings. Oddly, some members view this disorganization as being positive.

For those who have never been, AA meetings can seem like part group therapy, part self-help, with a bit of a religious feeling, sprinkled in.  But, unlike therapy, there are no trained facilitators directing meetings—only a meeting “secretary” who is often unskilled at leadership or facilitation. The secretary is typically a volunteer or someone elected by the group. It’s all pretty loose.

While some AA members love this unstructured approach, claiming it makes AA what it is, others find it a bit of free-for-all. This looseness can be frustrating. Newcomers might prefer something with more structure and formality to make them feel more welcome. But, the reality is other programs that tackle the drinking problem with a more structured approach aren’t any more effective. The AA program is free, works for some, and “it is what it is!”

Hence, newcomers should be prepared to “find their own way” and figure out what to do, where to go, and who to connect with, as well as who to avoid. Not the best situation, perhaps for someone whose judgment might not be in the best shape.

The “Right” Literature?

Also, the “AA approved” literature sometimes isn’t beneficial to newcomers. With 14 books and 77 pamphlets (at last count), there is a lot to digest from Alcoholics Anonymous World Service. Where does one start? Should one read it all?

Most will say a newcomer should start with the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” aka, The Big Book. Good advice, but the Big Book has some problems of its own, too.

Many of these issues arise from the “program of recovery” (the first 164 pages) that has remained largely unchanged since the initial publication in 1939. To many in AA, this part of the book is sacrosanct. Many members are adamant that this section should remain forever unchanged – much like a religious text. Go to a few meetings, and you’ll hear members quoting the book by page and verse as you’d hear in a church.

Add to this, the “program of recovery” is starkly unscientific with nary a mention of the role of DNA, alternative treatments, poly-addictions, or even some simple statistics of the efficacy of the program through the years. That type of updating might be helpful to one coming into AA from a hospital rehab or court where this type of information may be given.

Fortunately, that information can be easily Googled. I find the discussion about Alcohol Use Disorder or AUD (the medical term for Alcoholism) and the distinction between binge drinking and heavy drinking to be useful discussion points. As it stands, I rarely hear binge drinking ever brought up as they are typically lumped together with heavy drinkers, which many aren’t. In AA, there is an oft-repeated cliche, “No one gets here by mistake!” I take this cliche to mean that anyone who comes to any meeting is an alcoholic. This speaks for itself – untrue.

Four Things

Here are my four things a newcomer needs to know about AA. Knowing them going in might help you be more successful with the best solution to drinking out there – warts and all.

  1. AA is not for everyone, but it might still be the most effective way to get sober be you “heavy drinker” or “binge drinker.”
  2. AA is full of self-professed, mostly well-intentioned know-it-alls.
  3. The “God-Stuff” is pretty heavy-handed.
  4. Amazing personal transformations can occur through AA if you can deal with the above.

Let’s look a bit deeper at each of these.

Not For Everyone

All this is to say that for someone who is deep into their own personal alcoholism troubles and is genuinely looking for help, what they are greeted with coming to AA may not be a perfect fit for what they need. In fact, without some clear guidelines and expectations of what they are stepping into, it is common for a newcomer to have a bad experience and give up.

The net result is far more people check out of AA than actually stay in AA. Forty million Big Books sold, two million sober AA members. Clearly, this is evidence it is not for everyone. But, compared to other programs, it’s the best there is.

Some overconfident people (see below) will claim those who leave “didn’t really want to get sober” or “weren’t really alcoholics.” This, to me, is a gross oversimplification. Nor is it particularly empathetic; frankly, it is a bit cynical.  Many find other ways to get sober and go on to live productive lives. It’s a fact. But, indeed, many who don’t stay in AA do not stay sober permanently.

This lack of broad adoption and continued success for all visitors to AA is just due to the fact that AA is not for everyone.  Never will be. Here’s the conundrum, even though it is clearly not for everyone, it is likely to be the most effective treatment. So, if you go into AA knowing this upfront, you might be able to take better what they have to offer.

AA Know-it-alls

Anyone who attends AA meetings cannot avoid noticing the self-appointed “experts” who repeatedly share at meetings. These are often AA members with long stretches of sobriety, aka “oldtimers.” Or, they can be loudmouthed overzealous newcomers, aka “30-day wonders!

Either case, some are great communicators, others not so much. And while oldtimers and 30-day wonders often convey sincere, heartfelt, and simply entertaining information, charisma is no guarantee of accuracy or genuine wisdom on how to stay sober. Whatever is said goes unchallenged and unchecked. Any share, therefore, can be factually spot on or simply wrong.

This is because whatever is shared in a meeting is merely the speaker’s opinion; it’s not AA gospel (even if they quote the Big Book).  AA has made it clear that it is up to each meeting to govern itself, and in turn, each person to govern themselves.

This makes it difficult for the newbie to figure out who they are supposed to listen to. A smart newbie might be advised to take everything said in a meeting with a grain of salt. And, when given specific advice, confirm the speaker’s experience with the topic. Otherwise, the whole meeting can be very confusing.

God, God, God

If you are part of the 37% in the USA that Pew Research says “is not certain” there is a God, well, get ready for a lot of God-talk in AA. It’s ubiquitous and a bit over the top.

In fact, most meetings end with everyone holding hands in a circle saying the prayer of Jesus Christ from the New Testament book of Matthew, aka “The Lords Prayer.” This is a bit much for some.

In some states, courts have ruled “mandated 12-step attendance is a violation of your rights,” essentially calling it a religion. To that, you’ll hear “AA is not a religion” and “AA is spiritual, not religious” in meetings.  But, prayers, holding hands, chiming in, and the passing of a basket look a lot like to church to almost anyone.

And what of the higher power mentioned in six of the twelve steps themselves? The derivation is clearly Christian if you look at AAs history.  None of this is lost on the aforementioned know-it-alls who constantly speak of God as if everyone is on the same page. They aren’t.

So if you’re an alcoholic Muslim, Buddhist, Taoist, or Hindu, I am not sure you will find AA initially welcoming. The same goes for the agnostic or atheist who will be told they have to find “a power greater than themselves” if they want to stay sober.

But, rest assured, Muslims, Buddhists, Taoists, Hindus, agnostics, and even atheists have all gotten sober in AA. They recalibrate their expectations a bit and make it work.

So, if talk of God is not your thing, be aware that it is nearly impossible to avoid in AA. Expecting it may help you deal with it.

Amazing Transformations

Arresting alcoholic drinking, even for a short time, can be transformative for most. Through the years, AA has delivered more of these transformative experiences than anywhere else. That’s why courts, doctors, and pastors still send people to AA. It works.

Many in AA have stayed sober for the rest of their lives through “the program.” These folks, in turn, have also helped many others also get sober along the way.  Unproductive lives become productive. Relationships are repaired and new ones initiated.

Please make no mistake; AA actually can and does work for the people it works for. Sadly, this is not everyone.

Conclusion

Concerning AA and the 12 Steps, there is no clear, reliable, and more effective alternative for the treatment of alcoholism.

AA is, for better or worse, the best that is out there. Whether from rehab, the courts, your doctor, or any other ways people come to AA, understanding this context can help you succeed. Hang in there. Don’t be turned off by the know-it-alls and all the God-talk. Expect it. Then, deal with it.

Because, until some new method or treatment for addiction comes around, we’re stuck with AA.  And thank goodness, it works for so many. And, it’s free!

How to Make a Great AA Pitch

by

DelAs an oldtimer who has attended well over 5,000 meetings, I suspect I have heard over 50 thousand 3-5 minute pitches.

Bad Pitches are Easy to Spot

Some pitches are a magnificent encapsulation of the incredible beauty, grace, and power the 12-step program offers. Other shares are horrible, meandering, unsupported nonsense that has nothing to do with AA or recovery. Add to that the bonus of being frequently laced with profanity and anger, too. Lucky us! Thankfully, most pitches are somewhere in the middle providing AA members with a chance to connect through honesty, humor, and the occasionally blowing off of steam that can happen in the “discussion” type of meeting.

A greater truth is this disparity of quality is what keeps AA meetings so interesting. You never know what you’ll hear! Or, by whom?

I am also almost always surprised who “brings the message” on any given day. You just never know.

What Makes a “Great” Pitch?

“Great” pitches typically share these qualities. These concepts are easy to understand, and if you think about them for a minute or two before you open your mouth at your next AA meeting, your shares might become even more coherent and relevant then they already are. And, because of this added crispness, you’ll find your pitches will connect with more people. All good outcomes, right?

Three Ideas.

  1. Stick to one central idea.  The temptation is to tell everything you know about a topic. Not necessary. Instead, focus on the one key point you want to say. Then, encapsulate that thought or idea in a straightforward sentence.  An example would be if the topic is gratitude, you think, “I learned in AA to find something to be grateful for every day, the result is not only to not drink, but I also find I am a happier person!”
  2. Give a concrete example of your point. It’s super easy to stay in the philosophical clouds about the AA program and related topics.  Don’t. That’s an invitation to speak from the head (and ego) and not share “the language of the heart.”   When you talk from the head, people may follow your train of thought, but they will leave the meeting with nothing practical to help them with their issues. Giving a tangible example of what works for you and how you do it can help illustrate the topic in a way that brings it to life. For our gratitude example, here is the type of share I am talking about, “I used to be angry all the time until I came to AA and learned to be grateful. My sponsor suggested I create a list of things I am grateful for and build on it until I get to one hundred items, then review them with him! I’ve since grown that list to over five hundred items, and I refer to the list all the time whenever I feel headed toward resentment or anger.”
  3. Tie it back to the program. Remember, this is AA. AA meetings are not therapy, nor are they self-development.  AA values continuous sobriety and trusts the 12-steps as a means to be sober and free. The Big Book is the AA guide. When sharing, be sure to tie back your example to the program and the steps. Make it clear. Back to our gratitude example, “the big book talks about being happy, joyous, and free. I have found that the simple act of remembering to be grateful helps me be that way!”

AA Magic

A quick note here. I get it. Pitches are primarily for the person giving the pitch. “Letting if fly” when “stuff is going on” is one of the great gifts of the program. Delivering competitively great pitches by untrained AA members is a huge ask. Shares that are spontaneously real is what matters. Those open pitches are the ones that connect. When that happens at the proper time in the right meeting, AA magic occurs.

So, including these little ideas will connect you with more folks the next time you share at an AA meeting.

Take the Cotton out of Your Ears – Is this good advice for Newcomers?

by

Anyone who has been around AA for awhile had heard a grumpy old timer share about the glory days when newcomers were told to, “take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.” Or, they have heard the other, harsher version of this cliché, “Sit down, shut up, and hold on!”

Are Clever AA Slogans Good Advice?

Both of these phrases have been repeated so many times, they are taken as a “part of the program.”

But are they?

Well, yes and no!

The Good

Yes, it is an excellent idea for newcomers to AA to see a bit of what is going on before jumping in. This is true throughout life. Gaining context through observation first can be super helpful. Paying attention can increase the chances of success for whatever group you may be joining.

In the group I got sober with, it was recommended that newcomers be quiet (not share) for at least 30 days. It was also suggested that maybe as long as 90 days before talking in meetings would be an ideal matriculation period before regular sharing.

Two advantages to this approach.

  1. Unburdened with having to come up with something to say all during the meeting, a person can listen better.
  2. Concurrent with attending meetings,  a newcomer can read the Big Book and get a basic understanding of what the program is.

It was also suggested to me that the newbie lock into the same meetings week after week. Regular attendance can help you and get to know sober people (before and after the meeting). This way you’ll get to see who really “walks like they talk.”

More Good

A final good idea for the newly sober person is to attend speaker meetings. Attending speaker meetings can eliminate the need to share at all (at long-form speaker meetings). Plus, because most speakers have time and worked the steps. Great qualities of a potential sponsor. For reference, I was told 3-6 months was the right timing to get a sponsor.

As you can see the emphasis for the newcomer in these early days was on paying attention and learning. It wasn’t for sharing at meetings. So sitting down and shutting up, and taking the cotton out of your ears and into your mouth – is a pretty solid concept.

The Bad

No. The issue for me is both phrases are super harsh and, perhaps, needlessly so.

In full disclosure, I’ve repeated those clichés many times in meetings.

Last week, however, I read this passage in the Big Book that got me thinking:

The very practical approach to his problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind, the informality, the genuine democracy, the uncanny understanding which these people has were irresistible. Big Book, p. 160.

That doesn’t exactly say, to me – “shut up and sit down.” Or, “take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.” The spirit I read is something different.

So, maybe going forward I can find a better way of encouraging newcomers to see and learn first before diving in!