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Sober Living Tips

Sober Living

The Program in a Nutshell – ACE

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There are two sides to the AA coin. On the one is the elegant simplicity of abstinence from alcohol. Then, on the other is the utter complexity that each of our lives brings to our unique walk with sobriety.

I believe this is what makes the AA program so endlessly fascinating. In AA, there is much to talk about.

If you abstain from drink (and other mind-altering chemicals) or have a desire to, then almost anything is a fair game concerning discussion with a sponsor, fellow AA, or in an AA meeting. The broad latitude of topics within relationships, work, emotions, and beliefs regularly come up under this AA umbrella. And, they should, because getting these millions of details right and in synch with oneself are critical elements for living a satisfying and happy life.

Plus, I love when I hear practical advice gleaned through experience that I can adapt to the life situation that helps me stay sober and helps me feel more effective and satisfied. Don’t you?

The Challenge

With my ” keep it simple ” mindset, it is hard to catalog such a varied and diverse menu of both problems and solutions. Culturally, too, we’ve been predisposed to break everything down to “top 3 things” about an issue that, upon some scrutiny, often miss the mark and, while sounding good, don’t say anything.

An example will be if you want to be successful in AA they say:

  1. Get a Sponsor.
  2. Read the Book.
  3. Go to Meetings.

Sounds great. And, it is true – for most. These oversimplifications raise more questions than they suggest answers.

How do I choose a sponsor? When is the right time to choose one, and how do I engage with them? Finally, how do I know I’ve chosen the right one?

We can do the same for each of these questions.

I’ve discussed this paradox before: we crave simplicity, yet nothing is straightforward when looking at it with focus and depth.

Yet, after decades of attending AA, I still find myself thinking about how to simplify the AA message. And now that I am older with a less sharp memory, I can use them as simple reminders that have more value than ever.

My Program Acronym

So, I have come up with an acronym that reminds me of the significant overriding concepts that drive what I would call irrefutable elements of a good AA program. The word is ACE.

What ACE stands for is:

  • A – Abstinence
  • C – Conscientiousness
  • E – Empathy

These words represent clear but significant concepts that are 100% in line with what Alcoholics Anonymous stands for. These concepts can be applied in many ways, in different situations, but still point to something accountable and concrete. You’re either abstinent, or you’re not. You’re either being conscientious, or you’re not. You’re either practicing empathy or you’re not.

Plus, being only three words contained in a simple and memorable acronym, I have found this is far more useful than, for instance, the overly complicated “Twelve Principals behind the Steps” or the oft-quoted “trust God, clean house” oversimplification. Popular as both are, they are not helpful to me. This is why I prefer ACE.

Know What the Words Mean

Way back when I got sober, I was always hearing old-timers admonishing new members to “use a dictionary because it’s important to know what the words that can save your life mean!”

So, with that in mind, here are a few definitions:

Abstinence – the fact or practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something, typically alcohol. Some common synonyms for abstinence are self-control, self-denial, self-restraint, sobriety, and temperance.

Conscientiousness – the quality of wishing to do one’s work or duty well and thoroughly. Some common synonyms of conscientiousness are honest, honorable, just, ethical, and upright. While all these words mean “having or showing a strict regard for what is morally right,” conscientious and scrupulous imply an active moral sense governing all one’s actions and painstaking efforts to follow one’s conscience.

Empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another but do not necessarily share them. Positive emotions like empathy or gratitude are linked to a more positive continual state. These people are far more likely to help others than those not experiencing a positive emotional state.

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A Power Greater Than Yourself

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A core tenant (some would even describe as a requirement) of the AA program is “finding a power greater than yourself.” Not only is this idea explicitly called out in the second step, “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity,” but, is also implicitly referenced throughout the Big Book and in countless meetings with the “Higher Power” concept.

While many AA members are passionate about this “higher power they choose to call God,” I am not. I can’t explain why that is. I know I am and know I’m not alone.

Not all in AA who get sober share a passion for God, Higher Power, and Spirituality. And, for zebras like us, it’s hard to change those stripes. But, many zebras of our dazzle have been able to get and stay sober, work the steps, and pass on the program to others – others who are not of the zebra class. Sobriety is a powerful enough idea on its own.

No Need to Alienate

Forcing the issue of Higher Power is a great way to alienate potential members who want to get sober. While the Big Book’s language on this topic is strong, “may you find him now!” the Big Book is even more grounded in open-mindedness.

“We realize we know only a little” is a terrific line and read at many meetings. Despite the strong opinions that exist with certain AA members on the program’s details, this acceptance of variances in approaches to obtaining sobriety is real and, in most cases, respected.

In that spirit, I want to share how I think about “a power greater than myself.”

A Story

A few years ago, my best friend from my high school days called me because his sister struggles with alcoholism. He knew I was sober and wanted to know what he could do to help his sister and what he was in for.

I told him that alcoholism is a very challenging problem, and recovery requires many factors to take. I did tell him that AA might be helpful for his sister, as it helped me greatly.

He asked, “If she goes to AA, how will I know it’s working for her?”

I told him the main thing to look for was her no longer drinking. Other indicators to notice would include regular attendance at AA meetings, a sponsor, and working the steps.

He then asked, “How will I know if she’s working the steps?”

I told him if she makes amends to you, that is maybe the best sign that her recovery is moving in the right direction, and she is availing herself of the steps.

I then said, you might not remember, but I made amends to you thirty years ago.

His reply, “Remember? It’s something I’ll remember until the day I die!”

Wow, just wow! That, my friends, is a power greater than oneself.

The Point

The steps, especially the action steps of five and nine, are clearly a power other than myself.

I didn’t think them up on my own, and were I not in AA; these are actions I would not have done. The fact that I was doing this outside my own thoughts and inner direction is by definition a power other than myself. And really, that is all I need.

By replacing greater with other, I avoid all the hubris that can automatically come speeding into my consciousness with the mention of God and Spirituality.

Conclusion

Debating the merits of faith in AA or elsewhere is not what I want to do. What I am interested in at AA is getting and staying sober. To that end, I’m not sure replacing “power greater than myself” with a “power other than myself” is all that sexy, but it is effective for me. Hopefully, this can help others.

Do You Need God to Get and Stay Sober?

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According to the website “164andmore.com,” the word God appears 315 times in the Big Book and 12 and 12. The concept of God was essential to AA at its founding and continues to be the bedrock for many long-time sober members of Alcoholics Annonymous. Do you need God to get sober?

It’s All Very Confusing

I remember in an early meeting as a newcomer, an old-timer, standing at the podium, said, “If you want to get sober, give up your BS and find God. Which, by the way, you ain’t!”

Crusty old-timers who got sober in the days when organized religion was having its heyday in the USA could say that. God was a given. The “god concept” is widely accepted and understood within AA membership. This broad acceptance is further strengthened as nearly everyone coming into AA in the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s had a religious affiliation to draw upon.

Today the opposite is the case. According to The Atlantic, “unaffiliated” has grown from 5 to 25% in the years 1972-2015. And within young people, according to the same article, between 18-29, the “unaffiliated” ranks near 40%.

Concurrent with this decline in religious affiliation in general (and Christianity in particular) has been a rise in both agnosticism and atheism, according to Pew Research. Some young newcomers attending AA for the first time earnestly seeking Recovery might be a bit confused by all the god talk – both in the big book and meetings. They might wonder, quite sincerely, “What are they talking about?”

Mixed Signals

AA remains steadfast in most of its traditions. Nearly every meeting begins with, “There is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find Him now!” Stong stuff! Many non-believers may wonder if they have stepped into a church or cult of some kind. “Isn’t this supposed to be recovery? Moving then to the Big Book, the new member comes against the 150+  aforementioned direct mentions of God or references to “Higher Power” or “Power Greater than Yourself.” Both are pretty obvious euphemism for God.

So then, what should these non-believers do? Must they “Find Him now,” or get out? The answer here is in fact, more or less.

What typically happens is the non-believer is directed to the chapter, “We Agnostics.” Unfortunately, this chapter is less about respecting and embracing disbelief than it is converting them to a believer. “Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God.” That’s a quote from the chapter you’ll hear repeated in many meetings. In other words, your disbelief is a weakness. This lack of respect is what I call the AA version of “you can’t handle the truth!”

But, people without belief do get sponsors, work the steps, and live sober – agnosticism or atheism intact. Often they are told by their godless sponsors to “work around the God-talk in the books or meetings.” And, “practice acceptance toward the zealous believers.” Developing a bit more tolerance toward people with other viewpoints than theirs won’t hurt them.

Can’t Have it Both Ways

The truth is this growing godless-form-of-AA goes against the program’s very deeply religious origins. Read the history, as in “Not God” by Ernest Kurtz, and you’ll find holy rollers. So, telling people to ignore or modify what is a reasonably sacrosanct AA concept – finding God for Recovery – smacks of dishonesty. Worse, from the early days of AA it is pure hypocrisy to get sober without God.

Other developments in Recovery in the past two decades make the God business even more vexing.

First, there is the growth of more overtly religious programs like Celebrate Recovery. Begun in 1991 at Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church in California, Celebrate Recovery, according to its website, is active in 35,000 churches. Celebrate Recovery has had over five million people attend their step study. With those numbers hard to deny the appeal of a more religious approach to the AA recovery. I think there is a real appeal for someone who is areligious learning the basics of alcoholism and faith concurrently. The sort of go together.

The second significant development has been the growth in recovery models and methodologies other than AA. Rehabs and therapists specializing in addiction and recovery is big business. The long-established “complete and total abstinence” model that AA is known for has been modified. The medical profession has created Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) to talk about alcoholism. Treatments for addiction often include pharmaceuticals and regular therapy.  Outcomes have been recalibrated to include relapse or moderate/infrequent use of alcohol. The “spiritual angle” to recovery that made Bill and Bob’s solution to alcoholism innovative in the first place has been partially thrown out the window.

The Crossroads

So, AA is at an odd crossroads. While no official tracking of AA attendance and membership are kept, most agree that attendance has been trending down in the past decade. AA is still is strong with an estimated 1.5-2 million members in the US.  But, if AA wants to appeal to those heading off to rehab, the shrink, or Celebrate Recovery, something needs to change.

AA  going back to the early days can become more religious in tone and maybe keep some of the Celebrate Recovery defectors. But if they do that, they will lose even more of the less religious-oriented to rehabs, therapists, and the no program option. Either way, the downward trend persists. That’s what we call a conundrum.

But change is difficult for AA. The 12 Tradition are purposefully restrictive. Many older members have an “it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” orientation.

And here is the most brutal truth: as effective as AA may be at best it’s 10-20% effective over the long term. If I went to a surgeon who gave me those odds, I’d look for another doctor.

But AA is odd this way. It’s long time members are pretty self-assured with their program’s application and correctness being 100% effective for them. “We got a tool that will fit any nut!” Well, news flash with 80% not finding recovery, might be time for a revised tool.

Then Came Zoom

I’m optimistic that the recent resurgence of interest in AA (via Zoom and the lockdown) may promote more dialog and faster change. Already new “virtual fellowships” are beginning to emerge having to figure out how to apply AA to a new medium.  Much of this had to be done immediately. There are now “Zoom babies” who got sober during the pandemic but never attended a live AA meeting.

In addition, Zoom meetings can bring together very diverse or liked-minded groups globally. The Zoom platform also has the capacity for instant feedback (through polls) that can make the “group conscience” immediate and more frequent. No telling where this can take AA. 

So, hopefully, this technology will foment an appetite for quick, iterative, adjustments, to AA in ways that help more get sober that is real and honest.

Dishonesty and hypocrisy are not the best building blocks for something lasting.

 So, Do You Need God to Get and Stay Sober?

I guess it depends.

Predisposed to believe in God? You most likely need God to get and stay sober. Look for those people. Predisposed toward disbelief, atheism, or agnosticism, then you probably don’t need God. Look for those people they are around. Regardless, where you sit, I most likely don’t need to tell you what you should believe to stay sober. That, very clearly, is fully up to you.

 

 

Higher Power Concept

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I think one of the most remarkable and useful innovations that AA brought into the world of recovery (and beyond) is the way they treat the God concept as that of a “Higher Power.” This inclusive and somewhat benign term takes much of the power out of arguments believers make for their particular flavor of the God concept. I don’t think it can be overstated how vital this concept was to AA’s adoption, growth, and success.  The elasticity of this term that can include nearly any belief, including disbelief, has endured for almost a century as a truly distinctive component of AA.

Historically when it comes to belief, believers often focus on differences rather than similarities. These distinctions in mindset become sacred points of contention that lead to heated disagreement, and sadly, division amongst people who should get along. Hence, believers who should come together in a common cause do not. The focus on who is right, rather than on what works, is unproductive in achieving that end.

Early History

Philosopher William James was a pioneer in religious study. His work with the ideas of pragmatism and his “instrumental definition of truth” allowed him to step back, and see belief from a more extensive and less subjective lens. James’ book, “The Varieties of Religious Experience,” published in 1902, was arguably the first academic approach to comparative religion. It became a classic and remained in print for over a century.  A difficult read that feel like an assignment, is nevertheless worth the effort because James’ Varieties reads like a novel. And it is full of compelling ideas.

Rather than arguing for the empirical correctness of any one religion or belief, James looked more broadly at what these believers had in common. Ideas he found like “Saintliness” and “Mysticism” are explored.  I particularly like his chapters on “healthy mindedness” and the “sick soul.” Both are original and hearty ideas that can be applied broadly to many religions and levels of experience.

Most importantly, James looked deeply into what worked for the believers. When he looked across the global landscape of belief, he found that uniting them together at their core was a general “uneasiness” about life. This discomfort was so persistent that it could only be overcome by connecting with a “higher power” with their particular religion or belief. It is also of note that James believed this connection was possible.

Relevant to this article, it was James who first articulated the idea of the Higher Power. He is cited twice in AA’s original publication of the Big Book.

The Oxford Group

AA founder Bill Wilson came to William James and the “Varieties of Religious Experience” through the Oxford Group. Bill met Ebby T. in NYC in the mid-1930s who suggested Bill read Varieties. Bill reportedly devoured the text cover-to-cover. So significant was James’ influence that Bill said in 1957 he regarded William James as the real founder of AA.

It is well documented that many of AA’s fundamentals derived from Frank Buchman’s Oxford Group organization that stressed ” the four absolutes,”  “no hierarchy, no temples, no endowments, its workers no salaries, no plans but God’s plan,” and belief in a “higher power.” So the linage from James to Oxford Group to AA is clear. But, thankfully, Bill pumped the brakes on the Oxford Group’s purpose of establishing “A new world order for Christ, the King!”

That wrinkle, of not mentioning Jesus or Christ became an issue for some with the first 100 of AA. In the first draft of the Big Book, there were many references to God, Christ, and Jesus that were all edited out that to create a broader appeal. In the end, the way the idea of Higher Power was introduced is lovely.

My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?”

Had AA not gotten this dimension of the program right, I hate to think how many would have never gotten sober.

Today – The Concept Endures

According to the AA program, to get sober, one must find a power greater than oneself. But the minute you mention and try to define this power as God, you polarize folks. This polarization creates the so-called  “the God Problem.” Some see this hesitation to embrace the program as an excuse. Whether this is just another way to put off getting sober or a real intellectual issue, it is clear the mention of God is an issue. Turnng the conversation to merely embracing “your own conception” can get everyone past that.

Good thing as the range of beliefs in AA has broadened.  In the 1930s, during AA’s founding years, “Catholic, Protestant, or Jew” were the primary religious distinctions. Today there many more faiths in the USA and around the world. Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Taoists, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and just about every other belief is found in the rooms of AA. And guess what?

They’re all staying sober.

So, too, are that new breed of citizen – the non-believer. Atheism and Agnosticism have grown over 300% in the past twenty years in the USA. Are they out of luck?

It turns out they aren’t. Many non-believers achieve long-term sobriety with their own comprehensive and idiosyncratic beliefs that don’t include God.

This happens every day.

Where I Stand

So if you think faith or God is your challenge to getting sober in AA, well, you’re fooling yourself. The AA Higher Power concept has you covered, regardless of what you believe or don’t beleive. Much of AA’s effectiveness is due to the Higher Power concept.

As for me, what do I believe?

I believe that is none of your business.

Which by-the-way has worked in keeping people sober for decades!

Self-Centered Fear – Feels Real – It Isn’t

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The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear – primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living on a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. 12 + 12 p.76.

Fear Without Danger

Especially for people with time in the program, I find this business of self-centered fear is both challenging and persistent.  I think much of this is because, usually, the longer we stay sober and the better our life becomes, the more we perceive we have to lose.

And, yes, if we lose what we have, that would be terrible. But, I found when I am afraid, the fear is almost entirely irrational. Plus, my mind makes a B-Line to the worst case scenario. These scenarios are ridiculous and automatic at the same time. And, this is with years of sobriety.

Here is an Example

I don’t get along with my boss, so I am afraid I’m getting fired any day now. Getting let go, of course, will lead to divorce. Divorce means we’ll have to sell the house, which will lead to me living on the streets. Then, in no time, I will be, drunk, muttering to myself with a shopping cart! So, there I am in bed waiting to get up, in fear thinking and believing as real this silly and impossible narrative!

Ridiculous, right? But ask anyone who has experienced this type of self-centered fear, it is debilitating. And, that is exactly how it goes.  It is hard to see yourself with any clarity when you’re feeling it. In addition, with the alcoholic brain, your capacity to believe complete nonsense is pretty strong. Isn’t it amazing that stupid, irrational, and completely imagined stuff can have such a deleterious effect on your serenity?

Back to the example. What started this?

Well, my boss didn’t reply to an email. I figure he must not like me, or something must be up. Otherwise, he would have responded. So, yup, I’m getting fired! And, incidentally, there has been no performance problems or warning. Later, I learned he didn’t reply because he was out of the office and forgot to put his “out of office” alert on. A perfect expression of self-centered fear!  BTW, I was not fired.

How to Deal with It?

I have found three things to do when I feel some uneasiness that seems like fear:

  • Recognize and call it for what it is. “Oh, I’m feeling self-centered fear.” Doesn’t make it go away, but, does lessen the blow.
  • Ask, “what is the real danger here?” There probably is none. Real danger (like being on a plane that is crashing), is not that common. And when it happens, it is 100% OK to be afraid. Otherwise, it’s in your head.  Knowing that most likely won’t change the feeling, but, at least you’re honest with yourself.
  • Get into action. Any action will do. Write about it. Share it. Go to a meeting. Do the dishes. Clean the garage. Help someone. Call your sponsor. And This too will pass.

And What About Being Demanding?

The other part of that great 12 + 12 passage is about “failing to get something we demanded.” Demanded? I don’t know about you, but doesn’t that give you an image of self-centered brat pounding the table demanding things? Where’s the gratitude? Where is humility?

What I do know, is that when I am grateful, in tune to all that I have, and the power greater than myself that makes it all possible, I am not frustrated or disturbed.

And, you know what? That is a good thing. Disturbed and frustrated people are no fun to be around.

Spiritual Breadcrumbs

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In “Bill’s Story” on page 14 of the Big Book, there is the oft-quoted line,

“For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.”

Great quote. Sounds good, but what does he mean here?

Spiritual = Many Things

What is difficult about this passage is the underlying question of how does one distinguish between spiritual life and non-spiritual life? Moreover, what is the evidence of a flourishing spiritual life? Does merely obtaining long term sobriety make the case? Conversely, get drunk, and we all learn you were not growing your spiritual life. Simple as that.

Spiritual talk is awkward. The Big Book talks a lot about spirituality. To the reader, spirituality sounds essential to the AA program and sobriety. Spiritual awakening, spiritual experience, and spiritual sickness are all concepts critical to the AA recovery. Yet, what spirituality means to the Bib Book author is not well conveyed. So confusing is this, they even added an appendix entitled “spiritual experience” in the second edition.

Making matters even more confusing is the bandying about spirituality gets in meetings. As with moth meeting discussions, concepts are all over the map. People are free to say whatever they want. As a result, the word serves as a catchall for things hard to explain, not providing much clarity.

For me, I define spirituality only as “inner.”

Walk Like They Talk

Also, many who espouse spiritually eloquently in meetings, often don’t demonstrate it very well in their personal lives. Speaking and living are two very different things. It’s nice when they come together. Too often, they don’t. We all know that hypocrisy is part of the human condition.

Still, I think when people think of some type of spirituality,  they want to see at least some consistency. People should at least try to walk like they talk and be honest about it in meetings.  And, most, given a choice would say, “I’d rather see a sermon than hear one!”

Given that most discussions of spirituality are riddled with confusion and demonstrations are often succumb to hypocrisy, I thought I would propose another angle at looking at spirituality. 

Let’s look for specific signs, aka breadcrumbs, that are typically left behind by a people with a rich and deep spirituality. I have come up with six traits. The first three are very basic. The second three are more advanced. I do think we can all agree that those who demonstrate them all have something good going on with their inner (aka spiritual) self. 

Six Spiritual Traits – The Basics

Calmness – I think we’d all agree that when we think of spiritual people, above all else, these are people who are at peace with themselves and the world around them.  Because they are calm, they, in turn, calm us. They bring something, perhaps otherworldly, to the table in their demeanor.

Measured Reactions – I don’t think spiritual people “fly off the handle” or are prone to much overreaction. Instead, they are measured. They pause when agitated. They are aware of what is going on inside them. Instead of reacting, they thoughtfully respond.

Acting On Principal rather than Emotion – Having this measured and calm approach to life, spiritual people can make decisions based on principals, not one-off emotional in-the-moment check-ins. Doing “the right thing,” for instance, would be based on fairness, kindness, or justice (or some other lofty principal). Consequently, they get in far less trouble.

Six Spiritual Traits – Advanced

An Elastic and Right-sized Sense of Self – When you think of spiritual leaders, typically, you’ll see genuine humility more than an unbridled ego.  Also, you’ll see transcendent leaders know their place and time. They act up at precisely the right time (when the situation calls for it). This timely action is nearly always driven by a sense of duty (I had to do it; it was up to me). Commitment, not ego.

Lack of Fear – Spiritual people are not full of fear.  Instead, they are driven by an inward conviction and confidence that allows them to overcome all sorts of obstacles that would tangle others.  Besides, they are unconcerned with the thoughts and ideas that drive fear. Money, power, and stuff, what concerns most of us, are typically not a focus – at least full time. Instead, they are focused on courage, service, and love.

Consistency – I don’t know, maybe Mother Theresa would head out to the Casino every once in a while to blow off steam. Maybe the Dali Lama goes to the strip club when he gets stressed out. Who knows? What I do know is the spiritual people I’ve known are pretty consistent. No secrets. No gross inconsistencies.

Good to Aim High

Lofty goals for sure. Few attain them all. That is why those who do stand out so much.

Most of us, with good fortune and deliberate effort, can at least experience some of them, with some frequency, too.  But we have to aim high. Raising the bar on ourselves is why I have found big goals worthwhile to pursue.  When I am calm, measured, acting on principle, being right-sized, and consistently acting without fear, I feel like I am my best self. And that makes me feel good.

And that is the point of this article; spiritual growth doesn’t happen by accident or serendipity. Spiritual growth is something that must consciously seek.

What I love about alcoholics anonymous is that our founder, Bill Wilson, fell short on attaining most, if not all, of these. He was candid about not getting there, arriving at several spiritual plateaus during his journey. That is why he is so endeared and beloved. He was a very different kind of religious leader in that Bill was always human.

We hear every meeting, “the point is to grow along spiritual lines!”  Now, maybe you a better idea of what to aim for.  Just know, upfront, you will fall short. But, like Bill, you’ll stay sober through it all, and become a better person.