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Sober Living Tips

Sober Living

Experience v. Opinion

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Perhaps the most valuable nugget I gained in my first year of sobriety was to discern opinion from experience. Thinking about something versus actually doing it is one of those distinctions that if you’re not on the lookout for it, you might miss it. It is a subtle, yet potentially significant difference.

Experience is Valuable

I have found that real experience with a problem, issue, or situation generally leads to greater insight into that problem than simply thinking about it. Further, a repeated experience with a good outcome can actually lead to expertise. Expertise is something very different from opinion.

Sure, some people have little to no experience with some topics. Despite this, they still manage to grasp the issues well enough to give useful advice. Those are wise people. Not common. That’s why we value them.

No Experience can be Dangerous

What is far more common is finding someone who does not know what they are talking about. Worse, doesn’t realize it. These folks believe themselves (despite having neither direct experience with the issue or any track record of being right in general). And, because of their appealing personalities, can make you believe it, too.

Most of the time, no harm, no foul as the advice given is on trivial matters.  But in AA, where the stakes can be staying sober or drinking (aka, life or death), getting bad advice can have dire consequences.

Two Simple Practices

In order to avoid mixing up experience and opinion, I advocate two simple practices. Using these regularly might get you more solid guidance when seeking advice.

First, if you are seeking advice from an AA member, ask them directly, “what is your experience with X?” And, I would add to the question, “How did it turn out? What did you learn?” With those additional data points, you’ll be better able to access the potential value of the advice.

Second, if you are an AA member who is being asked for advice, try to do the difficult thing and recuse yourself from the conversation if you have no direct experience with it. Instead, seek to direct the person to someone in the program who does have experience with the issue.

That is not easy. Admitting ignorance and handing off to someone else requires self-awareness, a network in the program, and some genuine humility.

But, that’s what was done to me when I was new. Old-timey AA. I was routinely told, “I don’t know, but let’s ask Bob, he has experience with that!” I learned a lot that way that helped me turn my life around.

What concerns me here is when someone is overtaken with “know-it-all-ism” and starts giving opinions-as-facts on sensitive topics like prescription medicine, bankruptcy, relationships, depression and other issues that need someone with professional training to answer. Just because someone is sober thirty years doesn’t give them a medical degree or counseling certificate.

It’s a real sign of spiritual growth to admit your limitation without apology or ego.

Meditation = Mindfulness

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Everyone seems to love and often quote pages 86-87:

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions, we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use…

And, it goes on, “we usually conclude this period of meditation with a prayer…”

You’ll notice this “mediation” is not described as sitting still with eyes closed for 20 minutes (or longer). Nor is it repeating a mantra or focusing on one’s breathing and emptying the mind. Meditation, at least in the Big Book, is something else entirely. I like to think the Big Book is advocating “getting focused” and “remembering some key ideas to bring to the day.” That way of thinking about it is keeping in line with the theme of “action” that runs through the steps and the program.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with the quiet sitting type of mediation.  Many find it helpful and calming. No harm in doing it, at all. The same is true for exercise. Exercising is great and can help with recovery.  And while both ideas are terrific, they are not AA.

When the 12 and 12 speaks directly to mediation, it speaks of thinking about St. Francis’s prayer as the mediation.

But wait, isn’t thinking bad for the AA? I hear that all the time in meetings, “I can’t trust my thinking!” Or, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!”

I bring this up because this derogatory view of thinking is not productive. And while it true that too much thinking can be a bad thing, again, the concept that thinking in and of itself is should be avoided is not AA.

The Big Book points out, “God gave us minds to use,” and “… our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration.”

So, if you’re not doing the sitting quietly, emptying the mind type of mediation every morning fear not. And, if you’re thinking about things, guess what? You are working the program by employing mindful meditation, and mindfulness in general.

Here’s what try to do every day:

  • Wake Up.  I know I need to give myself some time to become awake, so I allow time for that.
  • Get Focused. I think about the day ahead, who I am, what I am about and what I can uniquely bring to the day ahead. I often think about ideas like abundance and goodness.
  • Tap into Gratitude. The day always goes better with a thankful and full heart. Grateful to so much. Thinking about a few of them is always a great start.
  • Pay Attention. Avoid distractions. Don’t zone out. Having an ample amount of sleep makes this easier.  For me lately, this includes putting the phone away when I am around people.
  • Try not to react. Instead, be thoughtful, understand the context. Understand that the quiet of no response is one that is often well received.
  • Be kind and compassionate. If I am grateful and paying attention, I find many opportunities to show kindness and compassion throughout the day without any recognition or fanfare.

When I do all this, I find I am happy, calm and energized. Best of all, I sleep like a baby.

What a program!

Grow Along Spiritual Lines

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Recently, the topic of the meeting was pulled from the Daily Reflections; the passage was on “kindness.”

What Does Kindness Have to do with Staying Sober?

The new person might ask, “what does kindness have to do with staying sober?”

Great question.

According to the Big Book (in the part that is read at every meeting), the AA agrees to “grow along spiritual lines.”  The big book even goes to far to say it is “the Point!”

And, who would dispute that kindness is a hallmark of someone with a mature and well-developed spirituality?  Few. Except maybe the AA caveman who thinks “tough love” is still a thing that gives a green light meanness and insensitivity when dealing with newcomers (and everyone else for that matter).

I’ve done that. It’s dumb. Tougher than love. Most importantly, tough love is pretty much unkind. I have found it possible to speak difficult truths with kindness. It can be done; it just requires skill to do it well.

While We’re At It: Conscientiousness

Along with kindness, I see compassion, and conscientiousness to be what spiritual folks leave behind.

Why is it so hard to be kind, compassionate, and conscientious?

On one level it is because it is just easier to be angry, indifferent, and moody than it is to be kind, compassionate, and conscientious. For many, it is a bit of a default reaction. I have found that at times I don’t even know what I am angry at, I’m just mad. Here HALT (Hunger – Angry – Lonely – Tired) might be at play.

Looking Beyond Steps

On another level, there may be something more profound working that goes beyond the steps. More writing and “work” might be required to get at the causes and conditions that are blocking a loving and kind response to those you love and care for. This writing usually goes beyond the resentments, harms, sex, and fears of the AA 4th and 5th steps. To get to the core of the issue, it might be time for Al-Anon or another program. Or, even time to consider some professional help.

This can fly in the face of those who say, “AA solves all my problems!” That is great hope, but, that’s an opinion, not a fact. The big book actually encourages seeking out “where others can be right” and can be helpful.

Look, no one wants to be mean on purpose. If they do, well, they even need more love and compassion from the rest of us. Either way, meanness simply is not spiritual.  Does anyone think we need less kindness in the world?

Incidentally, that’s why being kind is valued and respected and considered spiritual in the first place. It’s hard to do,  and, when administered at just the right time, can be transformative.

Some of us might have an easier road getting there than others. For those who struggle, to borrow another universally recognized spiritual value, let’s try to show them patience.

Anger, Dishonesty, and the quality of your Relationships

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Often I want to know, “how I’m doing?” I want to do a quick check-in.

Simple as this sounds, I’ve found for an alcoholic like me, this is dangerous.

Self-Assessment is Hard

This danger is because, often, I am not correct when I do a self-assessment (especially in my head, by myself). I can draw conclusions that are way off base.

I get overly influenced by whatever just happened at the moment, without a broader context. Plus, it is all from my point of view. The old self-centeredness.

Then there are my irrational beliefs and projections I love to engage. Instead of taking into account all the good that happened in my life across the past day, week, month or year I can panic and think, “OMG, this is a crisis!”

And worst of all, “This situation will never change!” Here, not thinking that more good is in my future.

All evidence of the cliché, “Alcoholism is a disease of perception.”

What is the Solution?

So what to do to safeguard around an irrational thought spiral to Negative Town, should the ticket be issued?

Well, first, work the steps. Clean up the past. Ultimately you’ll learn about yourself and get free from bad behaviors that became habitual. This is the ground floor for recovery and cannot be overstated how critical it is that you actually go through them. It’s astonishing how many come to AA and never do them.

Second, work the program. As a reminder, a good program includes regular meetings, a sponsor, and work with other alcoholics. Having these will offset some of the self-centeredness that is the root of an alcoholic’s problem.

Then, Check for These!

Finally, you can watch out for three things.

  • Anger – Do I have any inappropriate anger expressing itself.
  • Dishonesty – Has the occasional lie or half-truth slipped into my life?
  • Bad Relationships – How is the quality of my relationships. Do I get along with people or am I “hard to be with?”

If they are popping up, then you can conclude that something is up that within you that needs some attention. Being angry, dishonest and not being able to get along with others is a sign that something inside you is awry, most likely below the surface, that needs attention.

What’s great is the steps can help (even if you’ve done them, great to work them over and over).  You can write some stuff down, look for your part in it, talk it over with your sponsor (or other AA) and make amends (if needed).

Then you can get some freedom and peace.

So, to summarize, “how am I doing?”

If you not angry, or lying, and have a life full of loving relationships (and sober, of course) then you’re doing great! This is irrespective of what the head might be telling you.

 

True or False Quiz

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I came up with a few silly True or False Questions. Enjoy!

  • It’s important to brag about your humility during an AA pitch. True or False?
  • Sharing at a meeting, then leaving before the meeting is over is a super cool move. True or False?
  • Dr. Bob thought Bill was “a bit of a psychotic windbag.” True or False?
  • An alcoholic is a person who wants to be held while they’re isolating. True or False?
  • The idea that alcoholics, drug addicts, overeaters, gamblers, and sex addicts should all just go to AA because “addictions are all the same,” was started by a treatment center with one van. True or False?
  • Men who don’t go to men’s meetings are seriously flawed human beings who are hiding something. True or False?
  • It’s a great idea to announce your AA Birthday on Facebook. True or False?
  • AA romance – the odds are good but the goods are odd. True or False?
  • An alcoholic who introduces themselves as an “addict-alcoholic” is a far more interesting and complex human being than a regular alcoholic. True or False?
  • It’s not “old behavior” if you are still doing it. It’s current behavior. True or False?
  • If you are hiding your booze, and you live by yourself, you may be an alcoholic. True or False?

Leaders “lead” – leadership is not ego or control, it’s leadership.

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Leadership is a good thing. So is structure.

Leadership in Meetings

When I got sober, secretaries led meetings. They chose topics and called on people. They did this without apology. Pretty simple and straightforward.

Having a meeting with a clear structure was very comforting to me as a newcomer. All I had to do was show up. The rest was handled, as it should be, by the people that had been around before I came to AA. My job was mainly to take it in. After all, I was there to learn about alcoholism and how AA approached it (at least at first).

The meeting started and ended on time. If someone talked a little longer than what was normal, the secretary would politely suggest, “could you wrap it up, please?” It seemed like the right thing to do.

Later, I learned the cliché, “if you share more than five minutes you’re either bragging or lying!” True.

Also, folks who turned up late to the meeting had to “wait their turn” until those who made it on time were able to share. That’s only fair.

Orderliness is Next to Godliness

The meetings I attended were very orderly, and, that order was mostly the result of a competent and secure secretary. Someone who was not only rooted in the steps and program of AA but also someone who was familiar with the specific meeting they were leading. Having been elected to the secretary position from the meeting, they had a real feel for how the meeting was historically run.

What I regularly witnessed in my first meetings were secretaries demonstrating leadership. They would come prepared with a topic. Then, they would strategically call on people knowing their lengths of sobriety and delivery style from watching them over the years. They would mix newcomers with old-timers. They’d engage the out-of-towner. Ask a birthday person to share. Or, they’d point to people, “would you like to share?”

These meetings were exciting. They were full of energy and excellent information.  I gleaned so much from those meetings. Much of it the result of an experienced and capable secretary.  The foundation to the way of life that has worked for decades keeping me sober (with no end in sight)  was built on the backs of those great secretaries.

What is Wrong and How to Fix It

So why are so many meetings not led like that today? I think it’s because many have never seen one done correctly.  Plus, directing a meeting requires some genuine skill. “Leading a great meeting is a work of art!” I was told. Sounded a bit grandiose, but turned out to be true.

Another reason is that many value fairness above goodness. Somehow by letting the meeting “run itself” by volunteers or using random numbers, is considered better than using discretion. Naysayers would label this picking favorites. But, this is not right. The Big Book reminds us, “God gave us brains to use!” So what not apply thought when leading meetings?

So, if you ever get the chance to be a secretary, I suggest you LEAD the meeting. Use your brains. Show off your artistic skills.

Show up with a topic. Tell people to wrap it up when they run long. Choose people to share who are either new (so you bring them into the meeting) or who you know have something useful to say. And keep it moving!

You’ll make a difference, and they’ll want to come back!