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Four Things Newcomers Should Know

March 6, 2020 by annon

New to AA? Sent by the courts, your psychologist, or your employer and not sure what to expect?

Or, maybe you’ve stumbled into a meeting and are now scratching your head wondering, “what the heck is going on here?”

Well, this post is for you!

AA Background

AA may be the most successful mainstream “treatment” for alcoholism. It’s been going strong for over 80 years. Its popularity and longevity are no doubt due to its effectiveness. Many people get and stay sober through the AA program.

Another reason for AA’s success has to be its cost. AA is virtually free (a $2 per meeting donation is suggested). Being free creates plusses and minuses. t.

One minus is that AA is mostly unsupervised and self-regulated. Alcoholics “self-diagnose” their alcoholism. Meetings are similarly self-policed. The result is all sorts of people come and go into all qualities of AA meetings. Oddly, some members view this disorganization as being positive.

For those who have never been, AA meetings can seem like part group therapy, part self-help, with a bit of a religious feeling, sprinkled in.  But, unlike therapy, there are no trained facilitators directing meetings—only a meeting “secretary” who is often unskilled at leadership or facilitation. The secretary is typically a volunteer or someone elected by the group. It’s all pretty loose.

While some AA members love this unstructured approach, claiming it makes AA what it is, others find it a bit of free-for-all. This looseness can be frustrating. Newcomers might prefer something with more structure and formality to make them feel more welcome. But, the reality is other programs that tackle the drinking problem with a more structured approach aren’t any more effective. The AA program is free, works for some, and “it is what it is!”

Hence, newcomers should be prepared to “find their own way” and figure out what to do, where to go, and who to connect with, as well as who to avoid. Not the best situation, perhaps for someone whose judgment might not be in the best shape.

The “Right” Literature?

Also, the “AA approved” literature sometimes isn’t beneficial to newcomers. With 14 books and 77 pamphlets (at last count), there is a lot to digest from Alcoholics Anonymous World Service. Where does one start? Should one read it all?

Most will say a newcomer should start with the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” aka, The Big Book. Good advice, but the Big Book has some problems of its own, too.

Many of these issues arise from the “program of recovery” (the first 164 pages) that has remained largely unchanged since the initial publication in 1939. To many in AA, this part of the book is sacrosanct. Many members are adamant that this section should remain forever unchanged – much like a religious text. Go to a few meetings, and you’ll hear members quoting the book by page and verse as you’d hear in a church.

Add to this, the “program of recovery” is starkly unscientific with nary a mention of the role of DNA, alternative treatments, poly-addictions, or even some simple statistics of the efficacy of the program through the years. That type of updating might be helpful to one coming into AA from a hospital rehab or court where this type of information may be given.

Fortunately, that information can be easily Googled. I find the discussion about Alcohol Use Disorder or AUD (the medical term for Alcoholism) and the distinction between binge drinking and heavy drinking to be useful discussion points. As it stands, I rarely hear binge drinking ever brought up as they are typically lumped together with heavy drinkers, which many aren’t. In AA, there is an oft-repeated cliche, “No one gets here by mistake!” I take this cliche to mean that anyone who comes to any meeting is an alcoholic. This speaks for itself – untrue.

Four Things

Here are my four things a newcomer needs to know about AA. Knowing them going in might help you be more successful with the best solution to drinking out there – warts and all.

  1. AA is not for everyone, but it might still be the most effective way to get sober be you “heavy drinker” or “binge drinker.”
  2. AA is full of self-professed, mostly well-intentioned know-it-alls.
  3. The “God-Stuff” is pretty heavy-handed.
  4. Amazing personal transformations can occur through AA if you can deal with the above.

Let’s look a bit deeper at each of these.

Not For Everyone

All this is to say that for someone who is deep into their own personal alcoholism troubles and is genuinely looking for help, what they are greeted with coming to AA may not be a perfect fit for what they need. In fact, without some clear guidelines and expectations of what they are stepping into, it is common for a newcomer to have a bad experience and give up.

The net result is far more people check out of AA than actually stay in AA. Forty million Big Books sold, two million sober AA members. Clearly, this is evidence it is not for everyone. But, compared to other programs, it’s the best there is.

Some overconfident people (see below) will claim those who leave “didn’t really want to get sober” or “weren’t really alcoholics.” This, to me, is a gross oversimplification. Nor is it particularly empathetic; frankly, it is a bit cynical.  Many find other ways to get sober and go on to live productive lives. It’s a fact. But, indeed, many who don’t stay in AA do not stay sober permanently.

This lack of broad adoption and continued success for all visitors to AA is just due to the fact that AA is not for everyone.  Never will be. Here’s the conundrum, even though it is clearly not for everyone, it is likely to be the most effective treatment. So, if you go into AA knowing this upfront, you might be able to take better what they have to offer.

AA Know-it-alls

Anyone who attends AA meetings cannot avoid noticing the self-appointed “experts” who repeatedly share at meetings. These are often AA members with long stretches of sobriety, aka “oldtimers.” Or, they can be loudmouthed overzealous newcomers, aka “30-day wonders!

Either case, some are great communicators, others not so much. And while oldtimers and 30-day wonders often convey sincere, heartfelt, and simply entertaining information, charisma is no guarantee of accuracy or genuine wisdom on how to stay sober. Whatever is said goes unchallenged and unchecked. Any share, therefore, can be factually spot on or simply wrong.

This is because whatever is shared in a meeting is merely the speaker’s opinion; it’s not AA gospel (even if they quote the Big Book).  AA has made it clear that it is up to each meeting to govern itself, and in turn, each person to govern themselves.

This makes it difficult for the newbie to figure out who they are supposed to listen to. A smart newbie might be advised to take everything said in a meeting with a grain of salt. And, when given specific advice, confirm the speaker’s experience with the topic. Otherwise, the whole meeting can be very confusing.

God, God, God

If you are part of the 37% in the USA that Pew Research says “is not certain” there is a God, well, get ready for a lot of God-talk in AA. It’s ubiquitous and a bit over the top.

In fact, most meetings end with everyone holding hands in a circle saying the prayer of Jesus Christ from the New Testament book of Matthew, aka “The Lords Prayer.” This is a bit much for some.

In some states, courts have ruled “mandated 12-step attendance is a violation of your rights,” essentially calling it a religion. To that, you’ll hear “AA is not a religion” and “AA is spiritual, not religious” in meetings.  But, prayers, holding hands, chiming in, and the passing of a basket look a lot like to church to almost anyone.

And what of the higher power mentioned in six of the twelve steps themselves? The derivation is clearly Christian if you look at AAs history.  None of this is lost on the aforementioned know-it-alls who constantly speak of God as if everyone is on the same page. They aren’t.

So if you’re an alcoholic Muslim, Buddhist, Taoist, or Hindu, I am not sure you will find AA initially welcoming. The same goes for the agnostic or atheist who will be told they have to find “a power greater than themselves” if they want to stay sober.

But, rest assured, Muslims, Buddhists, Taoists, Hindus, agnostics, and even atheists have all gotten sober in AA. They recalibrate their expectations a bit and make it work.

So, if talk of God is not your thing, be aware that it is nearly impossible to avoid in AA. Expecting it may help you deal with it.

Amazing Transformations

Arresting alcoholic drinking, even for a short time, can be transformative for most. Through the years, AA has delivered more of these transformative experiences than anywhere else. That’s why courts, doctors, and pastors still send people to AA. It works.

Many in AA have stayed sober for the rest of their lives through “the program.” These folks, in turn, have also helped many others also get sober along the way.  Unproductive lives become productive. Relationships are repaired and new ones initiated.

Please make no mistake; AA actually can and does work for the people it works for. Sadly, this is not everyone.

Conclusion

Concerning AA and the 12 Steps, there is no clear, reliable, and more effective alternative for the treatment of alcoholism.

AA is, for better or worse, the best that is out there. Whether from rehab, the courts, your doctor, or any other ways people come to AA, understanding this context can help you succeed. Hang in there. Don’t be turned off by the know-it-alls and all the God-talk. Expect it. Then, deal with it.

Because, until some new method or treatment for addiction comes around, we’re stuck with AA.  And thank goodness, it works for so many. And, it’s free!

Filed Under: Popular Posts Tagged With: advice, newcomers

Take the Cotton out of Your Ears – Is this good advice for Newcomers?

August 28, 2017 by annon

Anyone who has been around AA for awhile had heard a grumpy old timer share about the glory days when newcomers were told to, “take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.” Or, they have heard the other, harsher version of this cliché, “Sit down, shut up, and hold on!”

Are Clever AA Slogans Good Advice?

Both of these phrases have been repeated so many times, they are taken as a “part of the program.”

But are they?

Well, yes and no!

The Good

Yes, it is an excellent idea for newcomers to AA to see a bit of what is going on before jumping in. This is true throughout life. Gaining context through observation first can be super helpful. Paying attention can increase the chances of success for whatever group you may be joining.

In the group I got sober with, it was recommended that newcomers be quiet (not share) for at least 30 days. It was also suggested that maybe as long as 90 days before talking in meetings would be an ideal matriculation period before regular sharing.

Two advantages to this approach.

  1. Unburdened with having to come up with something to say all during the meeting, a person can listen better.
  2. Concurrent with attending meetings,  a newcomer can read the Big Book and get a basic understanding of what the program is.

It was also suggested to me that the newbie lock into the same meetings week after week. Regular attendance can help you and get to know sober people (before and after the meeting). This way you’ll get to see who really “walks like they talk.”

More Good

A final good idea for the newly sober person is to attend speaker meetings. Attending speaker meetings can eliminate the need to share at all (at long-form speaker meetings). Plus, because most speakers have time and worked the steps. Great qualities of a potential sponsor. For reference, I was told 3-6 months was the right timing to get a sponsor.

As you can see the emphasis for the newcomer in these early days was on paying attention and learning. It wasn’t for sharing at meetings. So sitting down and shutting up, and taking the cotton out of your ears and into your mouth – is a pretty solid concept.

The Bad

No. The issue for me is both phrases are super harsh and, perhaps, needlessly so.

In full disclosure, I’ve repeated those clichés many times in meetings.

Last week, however, I read this passage in the Big Book that got me thinking:

The very practical approach to his problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind, the informality, the genuine democracy, the uncanny understanding which these people has were irresistible. Big Book, p. 160.

That doesn’t exactly say, to me – “shut up and sit down.” Or, “take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.” The spirit I read is something different.

So, maybe going forward I can find a better way of encouraging newcomers to see and learn first before diving in!

 

Filed Under: Popular Posts Tagged With: newcomers

Three Things You Need to Get Sober

April 30, 2017 by annon

When I was new, I was told there were three things I had to have to get sober.

  1. A sobriety date.
  2. A homegroup.
  3. A sponsor.

While the sobriety date is a bit of a “duh” to those who have been around, newcomers often don’t grasp the importance of having one or even what it means.

It’s important to know what it is, and why it matters.

The sobriety date for AA’s has traditionally been the day one stops ingesting all mind-altering chemicals including alcohol.

With legalized marijuana now in several states and a sharp increase of mood altering and painkiller prescriptions, this traditional definition has come under attack.  It’s common to hear people reset their sobriety dates once they decide to be free of these mind-altering chemicals.

Another reason the sobriety date is important is AA’s celebrate periods of sobriety. Milestones like “30 days” “60 days” “90 days” “six months” “9 months” and one + year anniversaries have traditionally been called out at special “birthday” meetings.  These birthday meetings were a time for new people and old timers to get recognized with “chips” and were often offered a chance share in front of their home groups with non-alcoholic family in attendance.

In the past couple decades, this has changed a bit, as many meetings celebrate milestones and birthday at each one.  Also, rehabs have introduced the concept of observing days, as in “I have 17 days today… pause, applause.” These rehab-based rituals have now crept into AA meetings despite no requests for people to let us know how many of  “the several days” that they have.  It also seems there is no stopping this practice.

I strongly dislike this practice of counting days. Newcomers don’t need, nor should they get, a public spotlight for every day they stay sober. “The ego has to be smashed!” Plus, there is real humility to be gained in silently working towards sobriety, and waiting until it’s time to celebrate with everyone else in the same way millions of everyone else has.

Plus, there is real humility to be gained in silently working steadily towards one’s sobriety milestone, and waiting until it’s time to celebrate with everyone else in the same way millions of everyone else has.

Filed Under: Sober Living Tagged With: newcomers, sobriety

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The Pause When Agitated Blog says that happiness can be obtained through a full, rich, and sober lifestyle. By sober we mean no mind-alternating unprescribed chemicals. So, no pot.

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