Communicating Matters in AA
A recurring theme on this site is communication — how we talk to newcomers, how we share in meetings, and whether what we say actually helps. When your message lands the way you intended, people stay. When it doesn’t, they walk out and sometimes don’t come back.
Thinking Out Loud Is Part of the Process
Sometimes you don’t know exactly what you’re trying to say until you hear yourself say it. Shares at meetings often have that half-formed quality — and that’s fine. Not every AA member needs to be a polished speaker. That’s not the point.
Where Things Go Wrong
The problem isn’t imperfect sharing. It’s when people use loaded terms with dogmatic certainty, or tell newcomers exactly what they “need to do” as if reading from a manual. Words like God, Higher Power, spirituality, prescription medicine, and rehab all carry emotional baggage for different people. Using them carelessly — especially with newcomers who are already scared — can shut people down before they’ve had a chance to get honest.
Some old-timers push back on this: “The program is the program! People need to hear it raw!” But isn’t that the kind of Big-Shot-ism Bill W. warned against? No one appointed you the final authority in that room. And for most alcoholics, ego is not your friend.
What Actually Helps
If you want your sharing to land — in meetings, one-on-one, anywhere — a few things make a real difference:
- Think before you speak. Pause and consider what you’re actually trying to say.
- Describe, don’t prescribe. Share what worked for you, not what others “must” do.
- Use “I” statements. Don’t speak for everyone in the room.
- Stay focused. Avoid tangents that confuse your main point.
- Go easy on the loaded terms. Be aware that charged language can alienate the people who need to hear you most.
Compassionate communication isn’t about walking on eggshells or watering down your message. It’s about delivering your experience the way you’d want it delivered if you were the one sitting in that seat for the first time, scared and looking for a reason to stay.
The most powerful AA message isn’t delivered through perfect rhetoric or memorized Big Book passages. It comes from one alcoholic talking honestly to another. How you say something is often as important as what you say.
